Another day clean and sober. Who would have ever thought something so seemingly simple would carry such weight. I continue to catch my thoughts of viewing this as another day free of failure and try to see another day of victory, of freedom, of promise. My awareness continues to open to the reprurcussions of my past. In my battle With my addiction I have genuinely hurt someone I deeply love. Not with any intention, for causing such hurt I would never choose. Never. It pains me to feel responsible for this and yet I know in my heart that I am not responsible. I, myself, the me who I truely am is not capable of such a thing. Given the choice I would sooner take this pain upon myself. It is my addiction and the struggle within that has lied and decieved – to attempt to preserve itself, or deny its own existence? Or perhaps myself; trying to isolate it, seperate it , wish it away, hide from my own shame. I now feel as though I am trying to excuse my behavior.. in the past Im sure that I have. No more. I take ownership for allI have done – but continue to plead misunderstanding. As I continue my councelling I am becoming increasingly aware that I must address my fears of rejection. Of being hurt. Fears that have laid deep within escaping my radar during this journey of recovery.I am no stranger to such fears but seem to have left them unidentifed and unaddressed as other shortcomings have forged thier way to the forefront. Its my hope that by working through these fears the insecurities that drive my addiction will disapate. What painful irony that the pain I fear the most is the pain that it has now inflicted. In my own fear of become hurt in my vulnerability, I have now caused the one I love to suffer. How then do I fix what I have created? I cannot. Time will not allow me the gift of winding back. My heart cries with prayers for grace. Its all I can do. Each glance back only burdens, each look forward evokes fear. Just for today continues to take on new meaning for me. Just staying sober is a daunting enough endevour at times. I must learn to live in today. And I must learn how to grant myself pardon. Forgiveness feels well beyond my grasp but I hopepardon is attainable.


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