It’s been a long time.

I think it’s been 7 years since I last spoke to you, and still, I have nothing to say. Who knows where I’d be if I didn’t leave. If I never left the toxic environment of your mental illness. You refused to help yourself, not out of fear, but out of anger towards my father. You wanted to do anything to hurt him because you felt like he hurt you. But in the end, you hurt me.

Although I have my own mental health struggles today, I would never treat my family and friends the way you treated us. You’re spiteful and disrespectful. You can never own up to anything, and in the end, you lost everything. Yet, you still don’t understand why. People try to rebuild relationships with you, but you always end up hitting them below the belt, reminding everyone you have not changed one ounce.

I see you within myself everyday and I hate it. I will never let myself become someone so hateful. I’m crying writing this because you’ve caused so much pain. I think of you often, but not out of love or nostalgia. I think of you out of fear. I don’t have a mother and even when you were still in my life, you weren’t my mother. You were my controller.

I resent you. Everyday I try to let it go and own up to my issues. I have a great example of who not to become, even though it’d be significantly easier to allow myself to follow your example.

I wish it was different, but it isn’t.

2 Comments
  1. brettlea94 2 months ago

    Hello, I just wanted to comment on something we share in common. I also look at my parents and learn from mistakes they have made in their lives. I have seen my dad one time since I was 5 years old. He decided he did not want to be in my little sister’s life or mine. Living with a single mom can be difficult. Especially when they are not college educated and bounce job to job. I just wanted to mention that I learned who not to be from my dad. That no one is perfect. He isn’t and neither am I. However, I do not have to make the same decisions as him in my life. I choose to be more supportive and helpful to others. Furthermore, my mom has also made her fair share of mistakes. Again, just like me. She decided to not really do much with her life and now is very regretful of that. Me and my little sister saw that and both decided to do the opposite. We have both graduated with bachelors degrees so far and have future educational/ occupational goals. I am currently in a masters program preparing for a Ph. D. program. She is in California working her way up the film industry wanting to be a screen writer. To keep things simple, you do not have to be like your parents. In fact, we can learn from them. In other words, we can learn from our own mistakes in life and others mistakes. I have discovered that is one of the best ways to learn. That is, from other peoples mistakes. You don’t have to agree or be like your mom. Just learn from her mistakes as a human being and do not act those ways yourself. Also, try to learn to forgive her for her mistakes. Forgiveness and acceptance are amazing things. When you forgive someone, you are not saying that they deserve forgiveness, but that you deserve peace. You deserve it! Have a great day. 🙂

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      beansprout 2 months ago

      Thank you for your comment. It’s great to hear that you’ve learned from both parents on the type of life you want to live and the person you want to be. Also very impressive, congratulations to you and your sister! Although, I know mistakes I don’t want to replicate, I can’t help but fall into certain mental struggles that make me feel like my mother. I wrote this blog very spur of the moment, almost like a stream of consciousness. I completely agree that forgiveness will bring me peace, and it’s something I am working on. Hope you have a great day too ☀️

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