It’s been years now.. since you did it.
And now you’re gone.
But I still think about you and what you did.
I think about you pinning me down so I couldn’t move.
I think about you  actually forcing yourself in. I think about the way you wouldn’t let me go. I can still picture myself in your bed.. I remember I stopped screaming and crying and I felt like I was watching you do it. I literally felt like I was floating overhead watching you assault me. I saw myself lying there, frozen, scared and in pain. I wanted to move, but my whole body went into autopilot mode, where I just couldn’t move. Like I physically couldn’t move and I was just there in the room, just breathing. But I didn’t feel like I was actually in my body. I was hovering, watching it all happen and I just wanted it to be over.
You weren’t your usual self that night. You were more aggressive and selfish.
It was a side of you that I myself had never seen.
I sometimes see myself on that night, in your bed.. feeling helpless and alone. It’s not a good feeling to see myself that way. It makes me feel vulnerable again. These instances where I see myself being assaulted don’t happen often, but when they do happen, I feel so small and weak. So frightened, like I need to  go hide somewhere. Sometimes I wish I could go back into the flashback and save myself.

You don’t know what you did to me.. especially now that you’re gone.
You made me feel like the world is a scary, violent place and that it’s not good to trust people. I trusted you as a friend and you totally destroyed that.  You made me feel so insignificant, like my feelings didn’t matter. I was screaming.. I was saying no and you just did what you wanted to do. You would never understand how bad you hurt me.
I know I can’t go back in time, but sometimes I wish I could. I would have done things differently. I would have never spent time with you.
An old therapist told me that I can’t think that way.. that when I think that way, then it’s almost as if I’m putting the blame on myself by saying that I would have done things differently. I know that my actions didn’t cause me to be sexually assaulted. But I don’t know.. at the same time, I feel like I would have rather not spent time with you. It’s tough to not think that way sometimes. But I know that it wasn’t my fault. I think I just need some gentle reminders that it was not my fault and never was my fault.
You were so manipulative and narcissistic. You would make me feel like it was my fault.

I still think of the way you held the knife to my back when you stopped and let me go. I was still naked , as you had ripped off all my clothes, and was in shock after what had happened. It felt like 2 hours had passed. I felt the cold, sharp tip of the knife touching my cervical spine, slightly digging in. I held my breathe, still in shock and frozen, paralyzed with fear. I never thought I would be in this situation.

The knife was still there. I felt it as I inhaled slowly, thinking that maybe just maybe, that would be my last breath. You broke the silence, asking if I would call the police. I felt the knife still at my spine, so of course the answer out of my mouth was “no”. But in my head, I was thinking that I would want to call the police, of course. But I didn’t because I didn’t think that they would believe me. Plus, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and frightened.

You are such a coward.

I still think about the way you called me the day after, as nothing ever happened. You took a lot from me.
I still think about it all. But.. here I am, trying to stay in the present moment, trying to recover one day at a time. It’s not easy, but I’m trying. I hope that with each day, I can continue to recover even more and see how strong I am. It’s not easy, but I’ll start today.