For awhile now I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I always just thought I was straight, but this quarantine has me doubting.
I don’t know if I actually like girls, or I’m just forcing the idea on myself. I’ve never wanted to date a girl, but I’ve thought they were cute from time to time.
Tonight I just found out what heteroflexible is. I found out it is when you are mostly straight, but sometimes like the opposite gender.
I thought to myself, ‘This is it! This is what I am!’ And in my excitement, I decided to go upstairs and tell my brother.
It’s three in the morning, and I tell him. He’s okay with it, says it doesn’t really matter. At first I was so happy he was okay with it, I gave him a hug and went back downstairs.
As soon as I lay down though, I think ‘What if I’m jumping to conclusions? What if I didn’t think this through?’ I started calling myself stupid for not allowing the idea to sink in and actually think about it.
I’ve always had trouble sleeping, and earlier I had a panic attack, so I’m feeling funny.
But these thoughts start to make me dizzy and make me want to end it all for making such a dumb choice.
I want to cry, but I’m all out of tears from earlier.
I can’t calm down, I’m in panic mode, but I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of telling my brother the truth, about how I’m not sure, but I just don’t know.
I’m so many emotions right now. Stressed, scared, angry, upset, depressed anxious.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why this is causing me so much panic but it is.
Did I make a mistake? I don’t know! Should I just tell him the truth?
Normally I just listen to music to calm down but it isn’t working. My thoughts are penetrating through the music.
Reading always helped me calm down but I don’t have any books! Oh god I’m still panicking.
This is so stupid, it’s not that big of a deal, right?
I don’t know, I really don’t know.