For awhile now I’ve been questioning my sexuality. I always just thought I was straight, but this quarantine has me doubting.

I don’t know if I actually like girls, or I’m just forcing the idea on myself. I’ve never wanted to date a girl, but I’ve thought they were cute from time to time.

Tonight I just found out what heteroflexible is. I found out it is when you are mostly straight, but sometimes like the opposite gender.

I thought to myself, ‘This is it! This is what I am!’ And in my excitement, I decided to go upstairs and tell my brother.

It’s three in the morning, and I tell him. He’s okay with it, says it doesn’t really matter. At first I was so happy he was okay with it, I gave him a hug and went back downstairs.

As soon as I lay down though, I think ‘What if I’m jumping to conclusions? What if I didn’t think this through?’ I started calling myself stupid for not allowing the idea to sink in and actually think about it.

I’ve always had trouble sleeping, and earlier I had a panic attack, so I’m feeling funny.

But these thoughts start to make me dizzy and make me want to end it all for making such a dumb choice.

I want to cry, but I’m all out of tears from earlier.

I can’t calm down, I’m in panic mode, but I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of telling my brother the truth, about how I’m not sure, but I just don’t know.

I’m so many emotions right now. Stressed, scared, angry, upset, depressed anxious.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why this is causing me so much panic but it is.

Did I make a mistake? I don’t know! Should I just tell him the truth?

Normally I just listen to music to calm down but it isn’t working. My thoughts are penetrating through the music.

Reading always helped me calm down but I don’t have any books! Oh god I’m still panicking.

This is so stupid, it’s not that big of a deal, right?

I don’t know, I really don’t know.

2 Comments
  1. oatsnwater 2 months ago

    Hello, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Sexuality is a very complex topic for some and as far as I know no none understands it completely. I encourage you to look at it as a journey. So many people discover who they are much later in life. The titles can be very comforting for some and very stressful for others. I bounced between gay and bi for so long and would get so hung up on percentages and how much I liked boys and how much I liked girls. I also had a religious upbringing that would make even harder at times. At the end of the day, it’s okay if you don’t know. And it’s completely fine if later you feel like you identify another way. You may never have a specific title and that’s fine too! A lot of people prefer that and find freedom and defining it as they go. Also your sexuality and how you feel romantically don’t have to be exclusive either. That doesn’t make you any better or worse! Take your time! We’re living in a very confusing time as it is everyone deserves a break. There’s tons of research and forums out there if you want to look closer but if that’s too much right now just let yourself be! At the end of the day you are you! And that’s okay

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  2. aquazium 2 months ago

    Hey hey hey you’re going to be okay. You don’t always get answers right away. Try to breathe and at the right time, you’ll know. It takes time to find answers but eventually, you’ll figure out. It’s going to be okay. You can do this;)

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