This past year sure has been a lot. Since being diagnosed with OCD I discovered how much it affected multiple aspects of my life from relationships to driving to leaving the house and even my relationship with food. One of the things I found the most helpful was being honest with myself. And I know all the gurus say it but I don’t think it’s as simple as we think. The other thing that seems so cliche is being vulnerable. I always though I have to be vulnerable in order to have a strong/healthy relationship. In my head this meant showing every scar, trauma, mistake, flaw and being upfront with them; however, it pushed my last partner away. I thought the more vulnerable I was with him, the more he would be with me. Fortunately, we all don’t think the same. That was a very hard truth to swallow. How rude that this person wouldn’t open up to me after I’ve just laid out my entire life. So first, I learned to accept we all work different.  But when I looked closer, I don’t think I was being vulnerable at all. In a way all my obsessions and insecurities I threw at him made my own type of wall. I had to push him away before he could leave. I had to check that he stilled loved me, wasn’t cheating, didn’t want to leave etc etc. it’s exhausting for everyone. The sad thing is I trusted him with my whole life….. but I had to check. I think that’s hard for our partners sometimes who dont suffer with this illness. No matter how much I love you and want to be with you, the disorder will always demand that I stay vigilant. So when we finally reconnected and had a very honest conversation I did the thing that made me feel the most vulnerable I have ever been…… I stopped. I stopped checking, stopped asking, stopped telling him I loved him to make sure he said it back….. and it has been one of the most painful things I have ever done. I have never felt so powerless in a situation where I actually had no power to begin with. Now it has gotten easier, but when the poor guys face starts spinning in the ocd blender, I can’t tell him. Or at least I choose not to. I stopped seeking his reassurance and this has honestly been the most vulnerable I have been with anyone in my life. And things seem to go smoother.  Makes no sense to me because I have been in this pattern so long but I let things be. I guess we’ll see where it all goes, but I would ask everyone to look at themselves and see what being vulnerable really means to them and what it feels like. It’s super painful at first but eventually I started feeling more open and more myself.