Alright so…We got home around midnight last night, and first thing I did was get my dogs and lock myself in my room for the rest of night/morning.
I was just so glad to get away from so called 'family , I'm not gonna even talk about how the rest of the trip went, including the drive back home, it just held alot of anxiety, trying to resist self-harming and purging.
You get my point…And I know what some of you are gonna say, and I AM listening but I'm having trouble actually telling someone.
SO..anyway, the point of this blog, DOCTORS…I'm always surrounded by those damn doctors and some of them just piss me off! Today, I had two doctor appointments.
One, was with my GI specialist and long story short on Friday the 13th (ironic?) I have to go back to Arnold Palmer hospital (sad part is I know like everyone there now..) and is going to have an Endoscopy and Colonoscopy done, (I've had them before so I know how it works…)
What a joy.. *insert sarcasm here* Anyway, I also have to get a TONE of blood work done for my GI and endocrinologist, And I have horrible veins….They always have to go in my hands, But it's not like i'm scared of needles or blood…I mean come on I have to give my self shots everyday and with the self-harming…you get the idea.
But i'll be knocked out for the other thing, I just hope during the procedure they don't see my self-harm marks on my thighs (I know they won't see my stomach or chest, since i'll be wearing that hospital gown or whatever)
I also found out I lost more weight, I'm under weight now…How no one sees this sort of amazes me…They just don't pay attention do they?
Anyway, My second appointment today was with my shrink, Beth. I talked about some of the thoughts I had, and how my trip went. But…I just couldn't bring myself to talk or admit about the Eating disorders, Self-harming or just how BAD my social anxiety and depression are…I'm sorry 🙁
So that's how it went with Beth…I know I should have told her…but…I just couldn't get the words out.
THEN, tomorrow I have my doctor appointment with Dr.Lobe, which is the doctor for my sleep apnea, So we'll see how that goes…It's at 9:30am tomorrow, and i'm NOT looking forward to it, to be honest.
Then friday, Mom wants to take us to the beach and stay all friday and saturday, I DO NOT want to go, I want to be ALONE, I want to stay away from people and stay with my dogs,
I don't want people to see my repulsive body in a swimsuit or the marks on my skin…even if I wear a t-shirt over it I still feel so vulnerable, Y'know?
Plus, we always go to cocoa Beach sine it's not that far from were we live, But it's CROWDED beach because of the resorts there and tourist, it always sends me over the edge and I go into panic mode every second while there, I only feel alright when i'm in the hotel room,
I just don't want to go…
But I don't think i'll be able to stay in the room the whole time, Just thinking about it is making me panic…and I JUST got done have a panic attack that I got while I was at Beth's office…good god today has just been so…UGH.