I had a dream the other night. It was about some guy I had never met before but he loved me. And I actually loved him back…but of course right before the dream ended, because even in my dreams I am allowed no happiness, I left him.
I have no clue what it means….i mean its a pattern I follow in my own life. I guess I always refer to love as a fake feeling- one that people just made up to justify why we must feel the need to procreate with one other person our entire lives when really its just because of our genetics and chemistry telling us "he has good genes get with him, stay with him, make babies"- to me thats all love is. Or thats what i've made it out to be. I'm not going to lie: I would secretly love to believe in the feeling of love.
I'm not saying oh well that means parents dont love their children and blah blah blah. No i'm talking about the romantic love of loving someone who isnt in direct relation to you.
Anyways the point of this blog is to say that i think i've figured out why i distance myself from the feeling of love. I have watched love make so many people vulnerable and watched the people they loved that supposedly love them back crush them. I have watched divorce come and go. I have watched people be abused by the ones they love. And over all I have come to realize love makes you weak. It tells you to let your guard down and be weak to this other person. Bearing all of your emotions to them, but people are vicious and filled with hatred and in the end the person you love will rip you apart. And if you don't get ripped apart by them then the universe and fate will damn sure do it for you- with death.
People always say "Oh but being so vulnerable to another person who you are so open with is what makes love beautiful." No. Thats like telling little girls that the boy hitting her in class is okay because he likes her- ITS NOT OKAY!! I mean why else would so many girls be attracted to the "bad boy" who ignores her or the guy that continually beats her- it obviously starts early.
And so to everyone who says its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all I say BULL.SHIT.
Now I know why I push love away though and now I realize more than ever why I'm glad I do. Because love is a weakness and weaknesses only get you hurt. Which is why after I was broken up with for the first time in 8th grade and I felt how much that hurt I made sure I was the one to end things from then on out. Its just how it has to be if you want to be happy I guess.