ugh…i really lament going to the gym at my complex. It is the best gym ive ever encountered, it even has a water stand and that my friends is fancy shmancy compared to what ive had. So anyway, i love this gym but its TEENY comparably to a cell, i rich convicts b/c its not quite as miniscule as yur avg cell, but still…and ALWAYS filled with college guys or fit women. It's also the most social gym ive ever been to, which i really hate.

So, i decide i'm going to do the elliptical today and try to lighten up my mood, get my endorphins  going and maybe help with my back pain. As soon as i walk, who is there? 4 very studly men and they're all around my age it seems. Ah, but that's not where it ends, who's right next to my machine, not even 2 feet away? The husband of the girl my mom hired to decorate my condo (its a long story) but yeah, they helped me ut with some things, like putting up a fan and i invited them out sometime (which was really hard to do) and the wife seemed more interested than the husband. At first the husband was frendly with me and then they switched gears and the wife and i got along well. She seemed to really want to hang out yet i was too afraid to call and i never got a call from her and then i bumped into her and you know what she did ? Smiled and barely let out a hi as she walked by. :/ Life is just 10 flavors of strange all the time now. Why do people let on that they like you and then act like you're invisible the next time they see you? Maybe she was shy , she did say she was shy like me…Now im thinking maybe her husband is telling her not to talk to me or something, why woudl she not even stop to say something…. Anyway…sorry, moving along to the point…he and her were living there but they had to move back to their house bc they coudlnt sell it and there was a mold problem here in their condo sooo hes back here using teh gym, oh and hes a realtor for this complex too. Woo, too much info lol

Ok, so I'm sure i looked surprised when i saw him and i said "heeeey what are you doin here?…did you move back here?" and he goes "no, i wish" and then i heard mumbles, i was too busy telling myself i sounded stupid to listen to what he was saying. I know, its bad. So i try to concentrate on what hes saying and when he was done, i said "oh, so yur reaping the benefits of the gym eh?" ugh i just dont want to talk anymore, everything i say makes me want to shrivel up into nothing and dissapear. He said "yeah" and went on about the house and the situation and as much as i want to listen im too self conscious of my facial exopressions and how i may look to him. It's really bad….and tonight im going out with a guy friend to dinner and a movie (ive only hung out with him 3 times in like 4 months ?) but we talk on IM a lot. Its not b/c hes shy, beleive me. I dont know…so im scared im just going to make more of an ass of myself today. I wish i coudl talk again , i wish i wasnt so insecure , more than ive ever been and i wish i coudl calm down inside myself. Inside, something is screaming to get out but i wont let it. I dont know why, i have something to hide, but i dont know what. This is a big problem and i have to fix it.

So the awkwardness subsided as i did my thing on the elliptical but i know he still wanted to talk, he seemed a bit down i think, but i just dont know what to say AND this may sound dumb but im also afraid say or do something wrong that may be misconstrued as flirtation or something. He's married and ive never associated with a married man.

*sigh* I know i'm paranoid. I hate myself right now. I feel so uncomfortable.

On the upside i guess i'm proud i got through being in a gym almost sardine packed of men. People kept coming by (men) and staring. Fl is just one big sess pool of horny men lol ugh. But come on, not to make men feel insecure here, but we all know it crosses your mind when you see us sweaty and bouncy. Don't lie! lol I know you know i know and that makes me uncomfortable. haha OK i need to take a cold shower and cool off. Maybe have some tea to calm my nerves before dinner. I do have left over Xanax , im considering taking half before i go, but it makes me really dizzy and sleepy :/