A large part of my recovery from PTSD or whatever you want to call it, once I finally put down the booze and admitted to myself that I had a problem at all was seeing a therapist on a regular basis. It was a once a week thing, and it helped. I didn't open up at first but came to trust the guy (he's a vet as well — well he was a doctor on a Navy Icebreaker but still)and began to share my feelings with him. This went on for a couple of years. It helped as I'm sure it helps many. About two years ago I took a job that made and makes it impossible for me to see a therapist. Once every couple of months I see a doctor about medications but its a 15 minute in and out thing and its just to monitor my meds. Anyway, for the past two years I've just had to go back to the way things used to be. I don't drink anymore but I keep all my emotions bottled up. I have no family to speak of. My wife left a long time ago. I finally realized that I had to come back here desperately seeking some support.

I just need to hear that I'm not alone in battling this miserable plague of constant fear of nothing and everything. I've gone back to feeling like there's something very abnormal about me that I'm nothing but a coward who can't hack it now in civilian life with these dark cloudscasting long shadows over my whole being.

I even feel ashamed putting this message out there for all to see and cringe when I look back at the very long list of posts I put up years ago. I find it hard to believe that I was comfortable enough to do that — to open up so completely.

I miss talking to a therapist. I miss my ex. I miss old friends almost all of whom long ago gave up on me. I miss a dear friend I guess I met on here. It all seems so long ago. Where does the time go? I keep running and running, hoping that things won't catch up with me but – well – they have, like an immense weight.

I'm reaching out in this darkness to all of those I loved and lost. I feel so terribly, terribly alone.