I've come to conclusion that solitude is the best option for me. I've realizethat i HAVE to find myself. I'm tired of this feeling of uncertainity and i'm tired of the fear that comes with uncertainity. I believe i have to learn how to discipline my mind and keep it from wondering and dwelling and unnesccary and irrelevant thoughts. I've read and study many great philosophical and oriental teachings and if it's one thing they all have in common is the always believe in the empowerment of one's mind, that is basically conditioning your mind and your thought patterns in the way you want. I know for someof you this may sound like a load of bullshit , believe me i thought so too but then when i really thought about i discovered that most if not all the negative feelings i ever experienced in my life was a result of negative thinking. Whether we do it conciously or unconciously it still affects. I know few of you may have this realisation too and the obvious answer would be to change your thoughts. Many of you would know it to be trut that this is not easy and to some extent feels impossible. Trust me i personally and curretnly experienced the hardship in trying to change these negative ways of thinking. Im curretnly 19 and i spent most of my life unconciously dewlling on negative thoughts that have so affected to at a point i was considering suicide but then i thought how can i do that when i know of this power within me to change. I once read an interesting from a book and it said "we are the results of our predominant habbitual mental attiude" and this got me cause i realise how so true it is, im eaxactly the result of my habbiitual way of thinking, it sounds fucked up but basically what im saying is everything that happened to me and the way i felt and experienced it whether i did concious or unconciously was a direct result of my predominant mental attitude.
I reallise this need for change because i intend to do great things in life BUT I MUST CHANGE. i belief solitude is the best place for me. Currently i live with my parents in shanghai and attend a college over here but im planning to drop out because i dont see anything that college can offer that may aid in my current predicament. Im not looking to go out or attend parties , i had my fair share in that. Right now for me college is a big distraction and i share no common interest with the students there. I wish to or preferably would like go live a simple and humble life atleast for the time being where i can immerse my self in the great philsophical and oreiental teachingsand make practical my knowledge. Currently i'm contemplating to go and live for an extended period in a monestary becaus ei want to be surrounded with people wo share a like mind, therefore i ask anyone who maybe reading this if he/she knows of any good buddhist moonestaries or temples where i can go offer my services and live (if possible for free) an extended period of time please let me know and for any of you who maybe on the same path I am and is looking for something different you're more than welcome to join. I would like the company of like-minded people. Thankyou