Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise.
I’m Holly, I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, due to the fact I have been terrified to see someone about my problems. I have had a problem with anxiety for a long time now. Recently I have been trying to Face Everything And Rise, and it worked for a little while, but now its all Forget Everything And Run. I’ll start from the beginning, or at least sort of the beginning. I am going to talk about my grandparents today. In my 21 years I have never ever been physically abused, mainly because if anyone tried, I’d break their nose and they know it, no matter who they are, but verbal abuse has been something I’ve struggled with and something my entire family has struggled with. It is hard for me to stand up to others. When I was a little girl I was so oblivious to all the problems in my family. I thought everything was perfect, and that my grandparents were perfect. Everyone loved my grandparents because they only saw 1 side of them. When I was around 14, I finally realized what was happening around me. My grandmother (my mothers mother) is a narcissist and my Grandfather (my mothers father) is a functioning alcoholic. Throughout my blogs i will refer to them as Mamaw and Papaw. I was raised in a Lutheran Church, and went through pre-school through 8th grade at a Nazarene Private School then moved to the public high school that my mom taught at. In the mornings in private school I would go to their house since my mom’s school started earlier, and my dad went to work early (Ill talk about him more in later blogs). From about 2000-2006 in private school, it was just me and my papaw, we were best friends. I told him everything, and if I was in trouble at home I could always go to papaw. He was the most precious thing to me. in 2007 my mamaw retired and was there with me and papaw in the mornings until I went to school. Boy did things change. She had me writing my spelling words 5 times, writing all the defifnitions multiple times, etc. Of course I thought this was terrible, but papaw was there to save me, he’d pour my cereal and even give me something sweet after breakfast. He was still amazing in my eyes, he could do no wrong. My mamaw and I got along pretty well, but I have always been a little defiant towards her. I’d get in trouble back talking her sometimes and she’d tell my mom. Of course I was in more trouble with her, until I was 14. I had a long talk with my mother. I told her I knew something was wrong I just didnt understand what exactly. So she finally told me. Mamaw was narcissistic and Papaw was a functioning alcoholic. I always wondered what drink papaw had in his hand, I knew it had sprite in it, that was all. I noticed it in the mornings and the evenings. It was all day. He drank all day long, and go grouchier as the day went on. She told me stories of when she was young and when he was still building up his tolerance to alcohol. He never hit them, but the verbal abuse was bad. When he got home, the children ran to their rooms and didn’t come out till they had to for dinner. The only Physical thing he ever did drunk was when she was in college, she came home, and he threw his rubber soled slipper at her head and fortunatly missed, but she also didnt give him the satisfaction of flinching. (Not sure of the whole story there.) She told me stories about mamaw too. She had borrowed a flowy shirt from her older sister one day and mamaw told her in made her look pregnant, she was 15. She still to this day has problems wearing clothing that is even slightly revealing, tight fitting, or flowy. She has gained so much self confidence over the last few years and has blossomed and I am so proud of her, and also envy her. Mamaw has always told me to watch my weight, and through high school (even elementary school, but i didn’t realize it then) she would blatantly call me fat. I am not afraid to tell my weight. I am 5 ft 3, so i am pretty short, and my weight should be between 125 and 135. As a freshman in high school I was a skinny minny at 115 lbs, sophomore year at 125 lbs, junior year I was 140, and Senior I was at 160. Now as a junior in College I weigh 196 lbs. Yes I am way overweight, and of course I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel fat just like mamaw says, and I live an unhealthy lifestyle with no exercise, and mostly junk food that i have tried to quit so so many times. I have turned to food for comfort recently. I have a gym membership that keeps expiring, and I go maybe 1 time a month. Sometimes i get motivated and do well for 3 days… then I fall back into my old habits again. I’ve done it countless times. Mamaw says backhanded comments about my weight, my acne, my life choices, my major switches, my college switch, and just generally makes my whole family unhappy. My family tends to be pretty dysfunctional because of mamaw and papaw. My papaw quit smoking and drinking for a few months last year and he was very nice to be around, but then he started up again, and his health isn’t good. I still love him just as much as i did when I was a little girl, he’s still my papaw. In late December of 2016, my mom finally stood up to my mamaw and told her she needed to be nicer to me, and be more understanding. I was shocked, it actually worked. I still have doubt, and I know that she’ll go back to her old self, and I’m just waiting for it. She had eye surgery not long after my mom talked to her, and since all that she has been extremely nice, but i cant help to feel that it’s all fake since sometimes I can tell she almost slips. I have like 5 friends total, and they all know about it, but there isn’t anything they can do, and since it has been happening since I was little (iv’e know 2 of them since I was 4) so they don’t really care anymore even though they know it still happens, although much less often now. I know this doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it is one of the things that has truly effected me in life, and has lowered my self esteem, and makes me feel worthless, and makes me sit at home not wanting to go out because I think everyone is gonna judge me like she does. This blog is just the beginning of the long journey of my life, and only scratches the surface of what happens in my life. My biggest fear is telling what happens in my family and people saying “oh that’s nothing compared to …..fill in the blank” I understand what i have said here today may not be as bad as some peoples anxiety, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It still affects my day to day life, and how I feel. I have over come a lot to be who I am today, I have grown a lot, but I’m not done growing by a long shot. If anyone has any questions, I’d be happy to answer them and talk. My job is 4am-10am, and I go home and do homework and watch tv, and sleep by 6pm. (Eastern standard time) to the people who took time to read this, thanks for listening, it means a lot.