Men wonder why women always get down on themselves about their looks. They think we get it from the magazines and TV, which definitely don't help the issue, but really, we get it from them. I haven't been with a man in over a year. When I've been with guys, they make me question my looks by constantly comparing me to other women. I've actually had a guy tell me he wished he could find a cheerleader with my mind to be with, because that would be his ideal girl RIGHT AFTER WE HAD SEX!
I had another guy who was ugly as hell himself (but I was kind enough to protect his over-inflated ego and look past that) tell me I wasn't beautiful enough for him.
Lately, I've been trying to find a good guy to be with, but every time we start talking about actually meeting, the guy stops talking to me suddenly… seriously, I would love to be the strong-ego girl who says "what is wrong with all the men around here?" but all I can think is "what is wrong with me". I know I'm not gorgeous, I know I'm not hot, but I also know I'm not THAT ugly, and I have the intelligence and personality to make up for what I'm lacking in looks. Well-meaning friends tell me my problem is I'm looking online or in bars… where else am I supposed to look?? I work in an all female clinic, my guy friends are all gay, married or otherwise not interested, even my friends' guy friends are all unavailable or not interested in me.
I feel like I'm going to end up alone, that I'll truly be the crazy cat lady because no guy will ever want me. I know a lot of it is my anxiety telling me the worst of the worst but nothing in my 28 years of life has shown me that I'm anymore than a sexual boredom buster for jerks which leads me to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me.
I wish I could change into someone worth loving…. But I can't change how I look and I'm too damaged now to ever be wanted….