Men wonder why women always get down on themselves about their looks. They think we get it from the magazines and TV, which definitely don't help the issue, but really, we get it from them. I haven't been with a man in over a year. When I've been with guys, they make me question my looks by constantly comparing me to other women. I've actually had a guy tell me he wished he could find a cheerleader with my mind to be with, because that would be his ideal girl RIGHT AFTER WE HAD SEX!
I had another guy who was ugly as hell himself (but I was kind enough to protect his over-inflated ego and look past that) tell me I wasn't beautiful enough for him.
Lately, I've been trying to find a good guy to be with, but every time we start talking about actually meeting, the guy stops talking to me suddenly… seriously, I would love to be the strong-ego girl who says "what is wrong with all the men around here?" but all I can think is "what is wrong with me". I know I'm not gorgeous, I know I'm not hot, but I also know I'm not THAT ugly, and I have the intelligence and personality to make up for what I'm lacking in looks. Well-meaning friends tell me my problem is I'm looking online or in bars… where else am I supposed to look?? I work in an all female clinic, my guy friends are all gay, married or otherwise not interested, even my friends' guy friends are all unavailable or not interested in me.
I feel like I'm going to end up alone, that I'll truly be the crazy cat lady because no guy will ever want me. I know a lot of it is my anxiety telling me the worst of the worst but nothing in my 28 years of life has shown me that I'm anymore than a sexual boredom buster for jerks which leads me to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me.
I wish I could change into someone worth loving…. But I can't change how I look and I'm too damaged now to ever be wanted….
There are 2 reasons I don\'t have my profile pic up. One is I don\'t feel attractive enough to have pictures of myself up, the other is, even if I were to put up a picture from earlier in my life when I did feel attractive, I wouldn\'t want to risk anyone knowing who I am on here. I\'m ashamed of my thoughts, and the only way I can share them is anonymously. With the exception of my best friend, most people think I am a very self-confident person who doesn\'t care what other people think. I put on an act every day then come home and cry myself to sleep, cut myself, or dream of the sweet escape death could bring (though I would never kill myself). I\'m in therapy, but it\'s hard for me to break my outer facade even in there. So far I\'ve only touched on one of my fears there, and I had to do it in writing because I couldn\'t face the shame of her knowing anything intimate about my life.
I\'ve thought of joining clubs/volunteer things that might have more men in them, but my mind tells me it\'s just going to be the same rejections and so why bother putting in the effort? After all, in high school when my attractiveness was at it\'s peak, the idea of dating me left most guys feeling disgusting. Not for lack of trying but my first boyfriend was a homeless man I met on the bus who, by the way, cheated on me because I wasn\'t good enough for his convicted-felon-low-IQ-ass. It only lasted 3 months, probably would have only lasted a week if I hadn\'t been such a push-over.
I know it sounds horrible but do you ever look at other women who are married or in a relationship with a cute guy and think \”uhmm im way smarter and prettier than her\” I know it isnt nice to build ur self esteem being mean to others but sometimes that little thought in your head can help you make it through the day! I also hear the saying \”Project onto yourself what you want in a mate\” this goes along way. I think maybe you should relax and do stuff that makes you feel good, get your nails done, dye your hair if you want! use that spray tan!!! Just feel good about you!
I don\'t know you very well so i can only comment based on what you have said and mine and my friends experience with friends.
It seems to me your low self esteem shows through. You say you appear confident but maybe you are actually projecting a mixed message to guys. Possibly you exude confidence at the start of a conversation and then when you start to feel like the guys is interested all this internal dialogue begins, telling you that your not good enough or he\'s not good enough but you don\'t deserve better. Thats when your lack of self esteem shows through and the sudden change can scare guys off.The guys that stick around have realised you are an easy target to get in bed.
Joining groups or doing group activities is great for your self esteem and if you join them with the intention of enjoying the experience and not finding a guy that\'s when you are more likely to meet someone.
To build your self esteem you have to firstly stop the negative thoughts coming into your head. They are there because of habit and continual reinforcement which is a vicious circle. When you find your self starting to have negative thoughts, tell your self to stop and force yourself to think something nice about you, even if you dont want to. If you continually replace negative thoughts with bad ones eventually they will become habit. Also, everyday look for beauty in the world, whether its nature, another person, an interaction you witness. When you can find beauty in the world you can find it in yourself.
You need to look at yourself honestly and without judgement, you may find there are things about your behaviour that you don\'t like. You can change behaviour, again all its about is being aware when it happens, don\'t feel guilty about, dont make your self bad about it, just say I don\'t like it when I behave this way and stop it. It takes time and effort but it will work.Dont beat yourself up if you do have lapses, its normal its human.
Lastly, find your strength, the strength that stops these thoughts and so on. Tell your self you are strong, you can do this and do things that make you feel strong like challenging yourself in something, eg: learn something new, got to the gym, whatever interests you.
I hope this is helpful.
Take care.