My boyfriend logged on about an hour ago but I was playing a game so I didn’t know he had. He said he was in a bad mood anyways and was "ready to yell at someone" but that he didn’t want that someone to be me so he’d come back after he cooled down but I’m getting tired of waiting. Knowing my luck, he’s out having a great time which, I’m ashamed to admit, makes me angry.
We’ve both been so busy lately that I guess I’ve been feeling lonely a lot. I’m depressed and anxious and have no one to talk to or do anything with. An old friend of mine contacted me today to ask about catching up with me some weekend but other than that, I have no one. The only other people I used to talk to regularly are gone. The one is having a rough time (or was, last I checked) and my boyfriend doesn’t like him. I can’t say I blame him so I put some space between the two of us and we haven’t talked hardly since then.
The other is just hard to get along with. When I have something I want to say, I usually just say, "Hey, I’m depressed, yada yada yada." He doesn’t. He waits for me to poke and prod and ask questions and I’m not used to that, everyone else I’ve ever known has pretty much come right up to me and said, "Look, I’m having some trouble, can I talk to you?"
I tried to change, to start habitually asking him questions — "What’s up? Oh really? Why is that? How does that make you feel?" — but it’s just not me and I don’t always remember to do it. That and I feel weird, it’s like I’m a therapist and I’m trying to pull information out of an unwilling patient. A few times, he even sort of snapped at me and when I stopped asking him about what was bugging him, he’d eventually say, "You haven’t asked me about what’s bothering me at all, sometimes I think you just use me when you need someone to talk to." I got fed up with it and just stopped talking to him when my boyfriend came to visit and I’ve only spoken with him twice in the last few weeks. He just seems irritable and I don’t want to beg him for forgiveness, I have my own damn problems and I can’t be dealing with someone who can’t decide if he wants to talk or not.
So yeah, it’s just me. And you know what? I don’t even know how to go about finding a new friend, I really don’t. I find it difficult to click with people because I’m so odd and I don’t feel motivated to find one in the first place. I feel immobilized. Normally, I’d go log onto some forum and start talking to people but not now. Now I just sort of sit here and cry or feel entirely blank and numb.
The worst part though is how I’ve come to feel unimportant and unloved. I miss romance. I crave it so badly. I want to feel my heart beat faster, I want to feel tears of joy well up in my eyes, I want to feel protected and needed and wanted. I want the sort of love I’ve been reading about in my books (and no, I don’t mean in any romance novels, I don’t read them). I just want a guy who will look at me as if I were so amazing to him because that’s how I want to look at my lover, too. I don’t like when harsh reality is thrown at me 24/7, I want a little fantasy and heat, and I don’t feel it, I don’t get it. My boyfriend sometimes tries to be way too rational and it’s cold and throws me to the side. He doesn’t even seem too upset that we don’t have much time for one another anymore. He just says, "Look, we’re both busy and even though I miss you, I know that it’s only temporary, it’ll change once the summer is over, I love you." but it doesn’t make me feel any better to hear that he’s just fine without me around.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting the guy to go and like start cutting himself and drinking or something but showing some passion would be nice…
To try and distract myself, all I’ve been doing lately is gaming and reading. I’ve tried so many games in the last year, I’m such a geek. Fiesta Online, Perfect World International, Ether Saga Online, Rappelz, MapleStory, EVE Online, Wizard101, Requiem: Bloodymare, Trickster Online, etc.. My favorites are MapleStory and Wizard101. Not sure about PWI yet. It’s good and all but it doesn’t always hold my attention although having my brother play along with me now might hold my interest as it’s not so lonely. Fiesta used to be my absolute favorite but then I did something really bad — I dared to speak my mind.
See, in some games, there are cliques. The smaller games have really noticeable cliques. And somehow, I became slightly associated with one of them until I said, "Hey, four of your guild members are harassing people." and was verbally attacked by a 31 year old tard who is like a female, Asian Mario (she’s always going around saying, "whooo, wheeeeeeee, yiippeeee" -_-) and her 19 year old internet boyfriend. And I dislike confrontation to such an extent that I quit.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. Before, confrontation only slightly bothered me. I have a temper and a mouth on me and can hold my own in pretty much any verbal conflict but lately, for about a month now, I’ve been finding it tiring. I want to adopt a more passive way of dealing with things. I don’t know, just brush people off. Like yesterday, my brother told me that someone in PWI was a bit mean to him because he picked up an item they left behind (which isn’t against the rules, by the way). They said, "Thanks for picking up my items you azz." My response was, "Just tell her, ‘You’re welcome.’ and run off." It was good advice, in my opinion. He’d be responding but not really getting into a fight. And yet less than an hour later, I found myself in a small conflict of my own simply because I couldn’t take my own advice. A nasty little response just appears in my head and before I know it, my fingers are flying across my keyboard, fanning the flames. Aftewards, I feel frightened and anxious, sickened. I don’t want anyone to know, I want a do-over, I want a chance to look better, feel better, be better. Currently, about 3 or 4 confrontations are on my mind and I don’t know what to do about it.
Another problem I’m having has to do with my pride. I don’t want anyone to see me lose or fumble. I don’t want to be left behind, dusted, beaten. I think it ties into the side of me that seems to dive head first into confrontation. I can’t just let someone think they’re better and be happy knowing that they’re not. Some of the smallest things bother me all the way up to the big leagues. To this day, it still bothers me that several girls were able to step in between my boyfriend and I to some extent, that they gained his trust and friendship and used it to hurt me in order to make themselves feel better. I hate them for it still but I can’t let my boyfriend know although I’m sure he does, I just haven’t voiced it recently because I hate letting him see me be that weak. I know the strong thing to do would be to write them off as if they were insignificant specks and so because I can’t do that, I pretend I have.
Well, in twenty minutes he will have been gone for two hours. Earlier, I told him that I no longer want to sit in this basement office in this cold, hard chair hurting my back and ass waiting for him. He got angry, accused me of trying to hurt him, but really, I just want out of here. I want away from what is causing me to feel bad. I don’t want to feel like a loser anymore, like some dumb girl who spends all day waiting for her boyfriend to show up when he damn well pleases. I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel that way and that it’s largely my fault because I’ve spoiled him rotten but I can change that. I can game when I want whether he’ll be able to reach me or not. I can read when I want even though that means I’ll be no where near my computer. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and let him wait around for me for once. So I think I’ll game some more or read. I’m trying to hold off on my book a bit because I don’t get paid for almost two more weeks and two more books in my series would cost about $17…which I don’t have and can’t really borrow because I also need to borrow $66 from Dad for Curves because even though I’ve been working for two weeks now, I don’t get paid for two more weeks so I can’t really afford anything yet…bummer. -_-