I can’t do this anymore. I’m so disappointed. I’m tired of crying. I’m crying now and it hurts, I’m so sick of this.
If I were to be entirely honest, I’d have to admit to having a sort of Social Anxiety that only really "activates" around other women. I have no self esteem. None. Not one bit. I fear almost everything, I panic every day of my life. I draw up plans in my head for how I should change myself that I’m too afraid to follow because I know the transformation would take years.
I don’t like that my boyfriend finds other women attractive. Please…don’t yell…don’t laugh…don’t state the obvious ("That’s normal!"). Please just accept it. Please just listen because I can’t handle this anymore.
I don’t know who I am. I just know who he likes. I have a list in my head, different traits from these girls that I want to mishmash…because I lack my own sense of self. I want to get extensions, I want to dye my hair a very light blonde, I want to wear contacts and lose weight. I want to change how I talk and think, I want to change my whole personality to fit the best of theirs.
I know that maybe if I had more strength and direction, it wouldn’t be so bad. Most men are just like this, they’re never happy with the woman they have, they still find something else to want. Yeah, he says he loves me and likes me as I am but he could find dozens of other women within like a 10 mile radius to get hot for. But as is…I can’t take it. My boyfriend thinks that I should just become "desensitized" to it…but that sounds so wrong…to become "desensitized" to something because it causes you pain…
What do I do? How do I handle this? How can I get the pain to go away? It’s not as simple as just "getting over it" or realizing that this is "normal behavior" for a male. If it were, I wouldn’t be upset, I wouldn’t even be here at this late hour crying.
Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I want to dump him and never date again. I used to dream about the sort of love I wanted and then I thought I’d found it. I don’t think I have though and I don’t think I ever will because it doesn’t exist. It’s disappointing and I don’t know if I want to try to adjust or if I want to withdraw now before I go too far. Somewhere inside me I can feel a shifting of sorts taking place. I feel myself letting go, accepting that what I want will never become reality and with that shifting comes a very dull, boring feeling. I’m getting angry and I’m thinking, "F*ck it." I want to be passive, I want to embrace the bland and never hope for happiness again. I want to let go of the dreams and drown in the nightmares. Some days I don’t even want to wake up. I want him to open his eyes, log online, and wait for me…only to receive a call stating that I’ve gone in my sleep. I want him to realize that he spent the vast majority of our relationship hot for other girls and wish he’d spent a little more time with the one who was just begging for his attention and approval.