You know I am going to be really open and honest with you all
If I knew for certain in my heart that hell wasn’t real and that’s where people go, I would have ended my life by now.. everything I’ve gone through at the age of 16 with a teacher making me do shit I should have never had to do, marrying and divorcing  dating An ex and allowing him to do me the way he did, to losing a job that I loved so much… What’s the use?
I watch everyone around me start families and get the things I have always wanted… I sit here and I try to put myself back together only to realize I’m a fucking mess.. someone with anxiety that’s so damn crippling it makes me not want to live at times… I’m so focused on helping everyone else I can’t even help myself.. if only you knew how many times I wanted to sit here and pull the trigger and not live anymore.. I am tried, I am exhausted… I’m at the end of my rope to where I can’t keep hanging on… I cry out to God, only to feel like he isn’t there… I beg to hear his voice and follow his direction…only to feel like I’m being led down a dirt road with a dead end sign… people don’t understand just how tired I am.. I am tired of forcing a damn smile on my face each and everyday , acting like I am ok, when indeed I’m a fucking wreck on the inside
I come home to an empty place and feel more alone than I’ve ever felt… I constantly cry out to God, but where is he at? Why does it feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears? I don’t know what else to do

2 Comments
  1. lecourage 4 months ago

    I can relate Ashanikita. That’s depression and anxiety, I’ve been told. I’ve been feeling like this for most of my life. I did settle down with someone but not someone good for me just someone. We had kids. My depression and anxiety got so bad I had to leave the relationship to feel better. The only time I felt better was when I training for trialthelons or playing tennis. I can’t exercise right now so it’s getting bad again. I think you’re suffering worse though and I am so sorry for that. Take care of yourself. Big hugs. Le courage

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  2. olivergearly 4 months ago

    Hey, I hear what you are saying. sometimes we wonder why God doesn’t help us out of our situation. After 60 years I may have learned a few things that may help you. God has helped me many times, but it’s usually when I’m in danger like from a car wreck if I had not been paying attention, for example. He let me struggle with tiredness, brain fog, and other things for years and years. Why I don’t know. Maybe because most of this was of my own doing by eating poorly, skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, etc. He wasn’t going to force me to go exercise, eat healthily, or go to the doctor to figure out what was wrong. He wanted me to come up with a plan to fix my health and then he helped me along the way I feel. Of course, my experience may not apply to your situation at all. For me, it was like clawing my way up out of a deep deep well one small inch at a time. I discovered small things in my life that helped me feel better. I found that a handful of walnuts or a banana helped my energy. I discovered that biotin was a key energy vitamin that I had been deficient in. I learned that cod liver oil is probably essential for my body based on my genes. I found that a super B vitamin Complex helped me feel a lot better and on and on. Does this make sense? May I ask if any of this sound like it would help? Everyone is different, I’m just sharing my experience. I’d be willing to share more if you like. Just let me know if this was helpful and if you want to learn more. God bless

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