So last week was rough for me. I went through the first part of the week sleeping most of every day away, and trapped awake late at night when I was all alone. It made me feel hopeless, and it made me feel worse, and it set me off to no end. Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. I talked things out with him, told him what was troubling me, what I was feeling. Tried to convey how hard things have been, and the difficult time I am having. He suggested a few different things to tack on to the exercises and things he already has me doing. Taking a long walk every day, for instance. He said that depression is likely responsible for the lack of motivation and general apathy for the things I usually enjoy doing. He suggested I adopt a new hobby, find other ways to keep myself occupied so that I don’t fall into that rhythm that I was in last week. Not to let myself just sit idle, force myself to do something. I don’t rightly agree that a new hobby is just going to make things magically better and make me feel less inclined to sit idle. I know how I work well enough to know that if I get stuck feeling like I don’t care about ‘doing things’ that pretty much means everything. Despite this, however, I took the idea to heart. I went and I thought about what kind of hobby I could take up. I thought really hard about it, and I came to a conclusion that not only gave me a new hobby, but allowed me to take back some of myself from all this. Between the worrying, and the inability to make decisions because of worrying, well that is pretty much it. I have a hard time making concrete decisions for even basic things. More inclined to let someone else pick out what’s for dinner, or what movie to watch. I only care if something really excites me. To this end, I have always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. I’ve been dreaming about it probably since I was 5 years old. I never got the chance in school to learn because they didn’t offer guitar as an option in Band and Music class. Always wanted to learn, never could muster the motivation or decision making ability to do so. So, in defiance of losing control of myself, I went out to a guitar shop, I talked to the people there, and I forced myself to touch a whole variety of things I’d rather not touch. I was so focused on trying to stay calm that I couldn’t be excited. The guy who was helping me even commented that usually a person would be more excited to be buying a whole load of new gear. …I was too busy being nervous. But I did it. I bought a very nice electric guitar; despite the limited selection for someone left handed. I picked up an Epiphone Les Paul and am very pleased with it so far. I’ve spent several hours the last two days reading books, watching dvds, and looking at things online to help myself begin to learn how to play it. It’s thrilling for me, I’m very happy about it, I am doing something I always wanted to do. And as a bonus, I am so occupied that I am hardly noticing the compulsions. They’ve been very mild, and that’s heaven after how it was last week. I’m fulfilling a dream, and I am fighting back, and I feel really good about it.