So last night I had a dream that there were 4 snakes on some guys shirt… well the snakes turned into a tattoo on my arm, then they actually became real snakes on my arm….well then they came off my arm and were a part of the world, there were 4 yellow snakes and they were crawling everywhere and more so just on me, but they weren’t doing any harm. Anyways, I woke up and interpreted them and the first snake stands for fear of sex like the serpent in adam and eve. Which is funny because I met a guy friend here in Indianapolis who really likes me and blah blah, but I know I’m gay and I’ve been so confused cuz I like him as a friend, but we even kissed and stuff and I feel bad, but it doesn’t work for me you know…  The second snake stands for sexual identity. And the other two stand for temptation, I’ll come back to exactly what kind of temptation. So I had a really bad day at work. I work at border’s books, I am actually supposed to be working in the café, but my trainer wasn’t there today, so  I had to box books all day. Look them up on shelves in ABC order and find the ones on the sheet and count them and take some of them off the shelves, into the box. I did this for 8 hours. Bad day, didn’t talk to anyone…and then I was super tired and I couldn’t see, my vision was going blurry, so after awhile I went and asked if I could go smoke a cig….and she said I had to ask the other manager, and I asked if I could have a drink, and she said no, that I had to walk all the way downstairs and ask…..grrr…and she was mean, like said ooh you haven’t got much done? And I wanted to be like umm this isn’t even my job…. so I was getting pissed off all day and I didn’t work with anyone so I was lonely and didn’t get to have someone to talk to…I was practically crying and wanting to quit…cuz they are sooo mean man!!! And I’m bad at working at cooperate businesses you know, have to remember a code to the door, remember to clock in and out, and they have to check my bag before I leave the building!! And trust me I forget to have them do that all the time. I hate it, I’m so absent-minder or burnt out, whatever…. anyways, so finally I got to go home and my sister tells me her husband did pain pills !!! And he does them sometimes, which sucks and  I didn’t know this before I moved here…Opiates, which is what I used to be addicted to…I went to rehab several times over it, even jail… opiates pretty much wrecked my life and I still struggle with the addiction and missing them 24 hours even though its been awhile since I’ve used them. Yea uhh it sucks…Sooo then I notice my sister is also on opiates, itching all over, tiny pupils….so we pull up the the house and my poor little kitty is outside!!! She’s an inside cat and it’s like freezing outside!!! And I’m really weird when it comes to my cat…she’s like my baby man you know…So at this point I want to literally shot myself in the head, it is all im thinking…forreal I’m planning shit how to die in my head cuz I’m so pissed, so tired, so everything, and my sis and her hubby are scratching their fucking noses and everything and I want to die and talking a lot, like don’t smoke in the garage anymore, will you clean the bathroom and the walls??? Yeea of course they are cleaning too, when I did dope I was always cleaning…. Uuuhhh anyways…and then I get a text from my friend , he said he left his gun in my closet….cuz he carries a gun on  Well…. I’m sitting there like WTF!!!!!!!!! So theres the other two snakes from my dream… one was the temptation to use opiates and the other snake was the temptation to shoot myself in the head with my friends gun…. So after all of that put together quickly in my mind, I realized that although those things seem incredibly tempting right now… I know that my higher power gives me these dreams for reasons man…. You know….to warn me … cuz without that dream, I would feel so alone, but I know I’m not alone cuz my HP gave me that dream to show me that hes with me always man, I always get dreams like these, it’s just a matter of taking the time to analyze them… and I’m getting better at it, and I believe in it, it always makes sense, I can distinguish them from other dreams, they stand out and always have symbols you know…anyways, so back to reality, I don’t know what I’m going to do now, should I move again? Who knows? I just moved here less than a month ago man and I’m confused again, back to the spiral again where I always am, how do I get my life straight if I don’t even have a stable place to live???? I have never…. Maybe my HP is trying to make me really strong huh… I don’t know anymore, but I just really needed to  share you know, I haven’t been to a meeting in a long time, it’s been months, because I don’t have rides to them =( and I don’t know any NA people here, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time.. blah but i wrote that early you know and now i'm adding on that i am jus so sad like my sis is nodding off on the kitchen table and uhh her husband is so high and won't shut up, i mean obviously i'm kind of judging them, but they know how i am in recovery and haven't did so well and i jus feel like no one cares you know, but it's whatever i know i have to be strong and deal with it right now since i have no other options. i really dread going to work because they treat me like a piece of shit and now i dread coming home man. i was so excited to come home and it's just like man, but i'm being a baby i know.. =( i'm emotionally like 9 years old i think lol cuz that's about when i started using but …anyways hope everyone is well. peace and love.

 

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