People have come and gone in this shambles of a life I have. I want to try to remember those people because the thing I fear the most is that this life never existed and all I have ever known wasn’t real. I want to believe the feelings I have is because I was passionately, and emotionally sound. I think the turning point for me was when I O’d on pills when I was 16. I thought all was lost and everything had such a tiny significance it no longer tied me to this world. My heart had stopped and I had left this shell covered in scars given as time progressed. When I had later awoke, everything changed at that moment. I felt truly dead inside and out. Since then I ‘ve had nightmares of my past more often and at times, I’d awake screaming and begging for death. I lose myself completely, but the thing that brings me back are these broken memories of mine and the faces i have come to known through the years. I try so hard to remember each person that had some impact in it, however small or insignificant it may seem to others.

The depression didn’t hit too low today which is a nice relief. A few weeks back, it had gotten really bad because a person I wanted to trust so much had lied their way into my heart for their own personal gain. It pained me so much I had an ulcer for about two weeks. Even after it healed, I was still coughing out blood, which worries greatly since lately whenever I’m hitting a really low point with my depression, I’ve been coughing out blood more often. Maybe I’m just trying too hard in searching for someone to save me or make a difference. I wish things would change for the better, but trying this hard is stupid because it won’t change a single damn thing if that person never intended to be genuine in the first place. But I guess the reason I make the same mistake over and over is because i want to bet on the chance that out there, there are genuine people who don’t need to be cheated any more than they have already. I want to believe in the small hope that person is seeking the same level of trust and understanding as I. I want to try so hard to be a better person… to make it up to those I’ve lost already and never gotten that opportunity to talk to more.

I dunno… its really pointless since I’m doing more harm to myself than good. All these things constantly run through my mind, but at times it worst. I’m just beating myself up and the world couldn’t care less. I don’t know how much longer I can scrape by in life. I cry in the shower whenever I ask myself  that question: How much longer can I scrape by like this? Though things always look so grim when my depression hits hard like this, all these small threads of hope are just enough to keep me alive just barely. Hopefully… one day… all the pain will stop. I just wish I knew when.


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