I've came thru alot in my past with drug addiction.At a early age of 13 I was introduce to drugs/heroin.Living in NYC; there was alot of fun always places to go & visit. Eventuallly, thru-out the neighborhood the heroin epicdemic was streading rapidly. People began dying all around me.until it began to touch me personally. I saw things that some would never believe. All of my friends were caught up in the web of addiction; guys returning from Viet Nam hooked on heroin.Some I never thought would touch it did. It was like a back & forth thing; void of any real life. I drifted away finding other friends who didn't use. I enter a all girls school from middle school thru high school. At these schools is where I began to learn & began setting some goals for myself. After returning to my neighborhood & following my sibling & friends I began to swirl downwood into addiction.I began doing things I never thought I would.Excaping jail time..a friend took the weight.I could of done 5/15 yrs. for crimes I indulge in so he took the weight. He always told me I had no place in the drug game. Then I met my friend's brother he was 43 yrs.old. He founded himself falling in love with a 14 yrs.old girl. Although my feeling wasn't the same all I wanted was the heroin.He was a drug dealer of heroin & cocaine. Curious I mix the heroin & cocaine. I began to overdose they took all my clothes & put me in a tub of ice to bring me thru. I sleep for over two days recovering from that. We never sleep together having sex & he said that he  respected me for what I never knew.Then he began calling me Ninjia his morning star.because he said I just fit the profile of a addict.. Who felt  his life would be great with me at his side something he never had with two wives.  My outlook stayed in the drug environment. A close friend who ran away from home; move in our area leaving the Bronx.She became pregnant & homeless; we all slipped her in homes to sleep for a night. She had her son on 12/13/71 so I thought her situation would get better. Too my surprise she threw acid in a guy face.The police thought he might take revenge. A few days later she was found dead with three gun shoots to the chest & stomach. Again to my surprise I discovered her baby's father & brother had her killed & brag the morning after to me & my friends. Of course the police thought mwe might of did it; of course that was impossible. Her mom being bitter at the friends in the city took her body all the way to Brooklyn.That was the last time seeing her dead in the casket. Everything began to spin out of control. Then eventually some years went by but the pain was still there.An old boyfriend killed a guy in a fight; he ran out of town & wanted me to marry him; but I had decline.When he came back to the city wanting some heroin someone slipped rat poison & killed him right in his parents building. Then I met the man I loved. I loved him& thought all will be well. Again to my surprise that did not last. Feeling lost, depressed & suicidal; I really got the surprise of my life. At my age of 19yrs. old expecting a good life with my husband.We began to have some up & down with his jealous he beat me on New Year''s day party; in front of everyone I had a black eye & my face was swollen.My father went to jail for trying to kill him they took my husband too. That all passed. The last time I saw him all he talked about was the devil hounding him to come. I really thought it will get better. On May 4,1974 a friend tried helping me find my love. Yes, indeed I found my love in a morgue dead at 23. For sure my life had ended & tried to help it along.I remember his grandmother showing me our plant she had planted. She told me after the funeral his sprout stopped growing but my strang up & flourished.Always that unseen force was reaching out to me; it was the Lord trying to get my attention. Then all of sudden walking just too be walking; a stranger dressed like a bum walked up too me & ask about a wound on knee.He said let me ask you did that wound heal overnight & I said of course not. When I looked down at my knee & looked up to the man. He was gone..a friend name Gene thought I was disillusion & in despair. Took me home where I sat on the porch reading the 23rd Psalm that gave some comfort & hope. Unaware I had intertain an angel just like the bible says.One of best friend & her husband walked up to me & said Why are you reading that -that Lord isn't for you but only for white people. Because they were muslim. But guess what! She died after I left to move south for a fresh new start. Her husband lost his mind & never was the same. So now I wonder where is my angel. I feel lost in desperate & in despair. With all my belief I feel like God has deserted me; maybe something I did whatever that was..I asked for forgiveness & still no help. I still wondering where is my God Why don't He  help me I'm in despair. This part of my life happened some many years ago; inspite of everything things didn't end there. I began to find hope again. But that too soon ended. My first two sons place a gun right too my head.Holding his baby in my head -he said; he would blow my brains out right in front of kids. I took some hope & called my parents & my dad (I was a daddy girl) came to my rescue. No daddy didn't kill him; he said I probably wouldn't shut up & he gotten angry. I was surprise my dad taking up for the man who would have killed me. So I pack my clothes & children & left that state. Said I never come back to live here again. But that's another story I share some other time.