I want to cry and scream and yell and cut myself all at the same time. unfortunately, I have cried so much its almost impossible for me to muster a tear right now, my roommate would hear me scream, and I am afraid of leaving more marks on my body now that the weather is getting warmer. Last night, went out for saint patrick's day. It did not really end well, and it made me feel sad, and very angry, alone, hopeless yet….still being drawn in by others who say they care.
I cant even explain what happened. The past two years of my life, one bad experience stacked up upon another has made the story to long even to tell to my therapist. Things continue to happen, and as new things pile up old wounds scab over but they never really heal. I'm left with this feeling of utter saddness and hurt, but no way to really reach/express it.
I just, I feel so alone in the world even though I try so hard to make things right, to be nice and a good person. I try so hard and people always pay lip service to that….but still awful things keep being done to me, no matter where I run or hide. "Friends" close to me look at my situation, they weep but do nothing, they say "life is not fair, and it only gets worse". I cannot handle things getting worse. There is something so wrong about having your life fall apart, about a part of you dying forever, you get back up, pick up your life and try to be strong….and still nothing changes. still you are alone with no mercy, and noone thinks of you.
I dont want to live this way, what do you do when you can hide your sadness enough for doctors and your parents to say you're okay, but you are rotted to the core inside. Sometimes the only thing I feel I have achieved is the ability to mask my despair. I did/do this because I hope things will get better, but more and more….I get so tired of trying for something that is begining to look completely hopeless, and I dont know what to do.
I dont want to go on. I don't want to keep trying, but I don't know what other options I have. I know deep down that it is wrong to feel so tainted and worthless, part of me truly likes myself but the stronger part of me irrationally feels like some failed invention that will never work out. I am a causualty on the road of life that maybe a person or two will talk about after I am gone. I am the causualty to other people's whims and desires. I am people's punching bag. I will never earn the love or respect I want. My mother loves me, but even she does not understand, she looks down on my depression and she speaks to the struggles I have as a life long, day to day struggle, and I hate her for it. I hate her for condeming me to something that my rational mind rejects but my irrational mind emotes. I need someone to say I will be normal, am normal, am whole, am okay. I do not want to be this weak depression, and when she brings the subject up around me I feel like some weak piece of shit that needs to be thrown away.
I just cannot imagine not living. I suppose I am scared of tIhe unknown, I can't imagine the finality of death and what it would mean. I hate who I have become. I hate hummanity in general instead of blaming or hating specific people, I end up thinking all people are despicable, and I am loathe to think of spending my life in a world filled with these people. This again, just another irrational thought that drives me crazy. Some days I think that the effort of trying to hold this all together really will overwhelm me and I'll just end up being catatonic. I don't know what to do. I am so sad and mad…..I don't want to continue my life just to make others happy, just to perpetuate the sad events that have already damaged me so much.