I just got off of the phone with my grandma and right now I'm crying. I don't know why. We were talking and I think the thing that kind of hit me is when she said that my younger cousin (a few months younger) was pregnant with her second child and the dad is the guy that she's been dating for less time then I've been dating my boyfriend. They don't live together or anything and they both had a child before they had met each other. And my grandma told me how everyone was really excited for her and they were all praying that it was a girl (everyone has had boys in this generation so far). And then she asked me if I was pregnant yet. And I told her that I wanted to wait until I was married (I've had that goal since as long as I could remember) so she laughed a bit and just said "we'll see what happens baby, we'll see." And then started to talk about how things never go as planned and how I shouldn't restrict myself to wait until marriage, especially since my boyfriend sees marriage as just a piece of paper that makes breaking up ridicously expensive. Probably what made what she said worse is that she said it in a nice and caring voice, like in a sweet old grandma kind of voice.
So being homesick and on top of that my grandma reminding me about kids doesn't really help make me feel better. The thing is, I don't even know why what she said got to me so much. I'm used to hearing everyone tell me and my boyfriend about marriage and kids, and I'm used to my grandma, my mom and my boyfriend's family tell me how I should hurry up and have kids. But for some reason just hearing that my cousin was pregnant again just really hit a sensitive spot. I don't know. I just know that what my grandma told me is making me cry.
Maybe I'm not completely over about me miscarrying, I don't know. It was back in Novemeber, I should be over it by now right? I don't go day to day crying about it and stuff, I didn't even start feeling sad about it until March. Mainly because I kept seeing it as I shouldn't get attached because I wasn't going to keep it, I couldn't support it and I wasn't ready or anything. God this sucks!! I'm constantly taking care of babies and I constantly hear my boyfriend's family tell me how I should be a mother especially since I 'look so good and beautiful holding a baby and being a mother' and my boyfriend even jokes with me by calling me a mommy whenever I'm holding one of the kids; even though he says it just to get on my nerves.
I don't know, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not ready to give up my some what full night of sleep. And I remeber when I miscarried it was the most painful thing I've ever felt! It felt like a sharp knife was slowly coming out of my private area. It hurt SO bad! And there was a bunch of blood. And before I miscarried I rember my feet getting extremely swollen and how I was always tired and always felt like throwing up. And it was like I got big overnight. It sucked, it was like I could never get comfortable. But then again, I remeber starting to get attached a bit, like whenever I thought about what was inside of me I got happy and felt really good and that I wanted to protect it and care for it. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking about all of this too much. God I wish I was 21. What sucks is that remembering all of this is just making me cry even more. God I seriously wish I was 21 right now.