Have you ever sat back and thought about your life and said, "this isn't what I signed up for"?  Come on admit it, we've all done it once or twice.  This is different, I can feel somewhere deep inside that I'm not supposed to be living this life.  I'm not supposed to be struggling with anything; life decisions, family decisions, money, happiness, love…none of it, I'm suppposed to be alright. 

Since February, we've been late getting rent paid (have been nearly evicted twice already), late getting Directv paid (have to have either that or Dish Network otherwise we have no television), late getting phone paid (has been shut off at least 4 times in 6 months), late getting electric paid (even had it shut off once), lost our cell phones (as in shut off cause we can't pay the bill), can't pay for my medication (been off meds since April cuase I can't get the money to pay the bill and refill) had both the boys' bikes stolen, had my youngest son's cell phone stolen, had our kids' safety threatened daily.  Yeah, we struggled while we lived in Michigan.  But NEVER did I have to be off my meds this long cause we couldn't afford them.  Never have we had our cell phones taken from us (they were our only means of communication for hubby's work and our friends).  We've never had to worry about where we were going to get the money to put food on the table, or where we were going to sleep because we can't muster up the cash for rent by the middle of the month.  We've struggled, but this is beyond that…and here I've sat for 4 months unmedicated.  I feel like a failure cause I can't find a job to help hubby out, I'm fighting the State of Michigan for unemployment because I had to quit my job to move to Florida with my husband and kids, I sit and cry every night/day when no one is around because I'm on the verge of giving up the fight I've got going on with life. 

Somewhere, deep inside of me, I know that this isn't what my life is supposed to be like.  That's what hurts even more, I literally feel like I'm trapped in some horrible dream and I can't wake up to see that reality isn't what I'm dealing with.  This isn't some kind of fantasy I have played out in my head…oh what would life be like if this happened…this is a gut feeling that I'm not supposed to be here going through this disaster of a life.  Almost like it's right in front of me and I can't grab it and fix everything…