I'm so close to the edge right now that I can feel the earth crumbling beneath my feet. Everything seems to have gone from bad to worse.

With all that is going on around me and the triggers, I'm just falling apart.

Last night was hell. My boyfriend wanted to come over and talk face to face about our relationship. It went as I expected it to, he just became more cold and emotionless. He left but I asked him to come back. He said the relationship is too hard and as I layed there crying he looked over at me and coldly said, 'Told you it was a bad idea if I came back.' He didn't comfort me or anything. Just layed there with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. Not caring. He said he wanted to go back to feelling nothing and being cold. The more I cried and layed there the more angry I became with him. How could this person who I've been with for over three years just turn into that? How can he say he loves me and then act this way? I told him that I understood why his father killed himself. And he shrugged and said I could tell him anything I wanted that he didn't care anymore. I became more angry and dug my nails into his arm and I just wanted to scream at him and hit him until it all made sense. Before I could truly lash out on him he got up from the bed to put his clothes on to leave. I grabbed him and held him back telling him he was a coward and that he wasn't leaving. I got up and locked the door to my room and kept holding him back from putting on his clothes. He pushed at me and kept telling me to quit. He was just as angry and I could see it. The more I tried to make him stay and deal with all of it the more angry he got. He would get up in my face and tell me things and I kept holding him back from leaving saying things as well, the anger took control of both of us. I got in his face and said 'What do you want? Hit me! Go ahead!' he'd push me away and at one point after I kept trying to keep him from leaving he grabbed me and pushed me on the bed and straddled me and put his hand under my chin and pushed my head back and with anger said, 'This is what you want!? Is this what you want!?' I layed there submissivly looking into his eyes accepting the anger and hate that glared back at me. He growled and got off of me and proceeded to leave but I grabbed his arm and said, 'Don't! Please! Stop! Don't!' I ran to the door and stood in front of it and asked him why. He got in my face and said, 'You wanna know why?! It's because I HATE YOU! I gave up my life because of you! That's why!' He went on to tell me other things and the tears fell from my eyes like a never ending stream. I kept telling him to please stop and I had my hands on his chest pushing him back to stay and I could feel his heart racing, it felt like it wanted to just jump out of his chest. Finally somehow he sat on the bed and I cried in front of him and he said, 'Look at you! You're weak! You don't love me! You're just dependent upon me! Grow a set!' I was shaking and crying and after more forgotten words spoken I just wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him for dear life. I held him and cried and kept apologizing. I told him I was sorry that I was so weak and so sick. I told him I wish I could be stronger and not this way. I wish I could be better and not so sick. That I hate that I'm this sick. Eventually he wrapped his arm around me and began to tell me how I could be happy. He stood up and told me to look into his eyes and said 'You wanna know how to be strong? You just do it. You just suck it up and just do it. It's gonna be hard. Sometimes might be more hard for you than others but that's what you do. That's how you be strong.' I told him I can't and that I was too sick and he kept telling me not to say that I can't. He told me he believes in me and that he believes I'm strong and I can be happy in life. That I can beat this. That I have to stop saying I can't. He said 'Yeah you've tried. And you failed, but that doesn't mean you have to give up. I know there's other ways. There's other things out there and I believe that you can find it. I believe that you can be happy.' He told me to lay down and he turned off the light and layed down with me. I cried and he held me in his arms. He told me that he would be here for me to help me and that he believes in me. I cried and told him how much I missed my Dad and how much I wished that he would be more sensative to my emotions because I'm extreamly sensative with all that's going on. With my grandmother being sick, my Dad being gone and with our relationship being crappy. I told him there was so much built up and that I could be strong anymore that I was falling apart. I told him how I hated myself for not having the courage and being such a coward that I can't follow through with the deed of killing myself. He sighed and shook his head and said, 'You're not weak because you can't kill yourself. You're strong because you won't, you're strong because you know you're not supposed to and that's why you won't.' I told him that I knew that but why couldn't that strength be enough for everyone? Why can't anyone else see that battle I face and accpet that that's where all my strength goes. Eventually he held me and soothed me and cried and he told me not to worry that he was here and I told him I was sorry for lashing out on him and becoming physical and he said it's okay it happens to everyone. He said unfortuantly for us when we get to that point we just do the wrong thing and that he was sorry for it too. That it had happened, it was in the past and we just needed to move on from it. After calming down I got up to get some water and just breathe before I went back to bed. I took my medication for the night and eventually drifted off to sleep.

Around 2AM I woke up and went into the kitchen and my mom called out to me. She said she had been trying to call me since she went to be around 1AM. I couldn't hear her though because of my AC and fan going. They are both loud enough to block out the sound outside of my room. She was feeling sick and asked me to get her a cool wash-cloth. She said she was feeling dizzy. It worried me of course and I didn't know what to do really. I kept asking her what she needed and what I could do for her. She would tell me to get her water and a lemon. She vomited twice and stayed up for a while. I asked if she had taken all her medication like she was supposed to. I assumed it may be her nerves since her mother is sick and I know my mom has been over working herself. She's been worried about her mothers health and going back and forth with my grandmother to the hospital and getting up early in the morning to check on her and after watching my nieces and nephews she goes and checks on her again. She doesn't stop and rest.She went back to bed and I stayed sitting on the recliner in the living room. I stayed up until 6AM just in case she needed me.

I came back to bed and had these ugly nightmares. I woke up in an intense panic/anxiety attack.

My boyfriend left for work around 5AM and when I went to bed an hour later I texted him telling him I felt horrible. He asked anxious or naseous and I said both. My nerves and everything had been shot and since I felt so uncomfortable already before the events took place last night I guess my body and mind had enough.

I woke up in an attack and got up, got some water, took my medication and a panic attack pill. My boyfriend texts me telling me to rest and take it easy. He's being nice and sensative. But I told him that with all that's going on I feel so on edge and I'm just falling apart and after our huge fight last night and getting phsyical with each other I just need a break. The visions of his anger and hate won't leave me alone and it was too intense of a situation for me to just move on from. I asked him to just back off and give me time. He said if I needed time then he would back off but that if I need him he's there for me.

This all is really way too much for me right now. And it sucks. I just don't understand how things got so out of control? How did it go from really high to really low?

I feel so on edge, so lost, so uncomfortable. And I'm so scared of how we both acted towards each other. I know it's not healthy, it's just not right. It's scary as hell. I just don't know what to do. How do I make it all just stop and be better again?

Where do I find that strength again?

How can I get out of this dark hole?