I have not blogged in a very long time. My fiancee was diagnosed with a horrible disease about six months ago and had emergency surgery to remove a couple inches of bowel that was inflamed and essentially dead. Since then it's been nonstop of doctor's appointments and tomorrow he will start a cocktail of drugs to prevent his own body from attacking itself. Theses drugs could be a miracle or make things much worse. I have not felt this much anxiety in a very long time. I feel like God is playing some cruel joke on me. I used to pray for anything to make the obsessions stop to feel some peace, to have my intrusive thoughts be calmed and they have. The constant worry that the man I have loved for more than 9 years, who I am going to marry next year might not be around as long as I thought fills me with such terror. The children I used to fear having because of my OCD now I yearn for their existence so that he can be father and we can have a family. I want things I never thought I would, things that I thought would be too terrifying seem to be a way for me to keep his spirit alive even if he is not here. I would take back all the obsessions, the constant horrible thoughts, the horrible self loathing and depression that comes with OCD if he would be better. The worst thing is that throughout my long battle with OCD my faith never waived I was sure God knew the real me and helped me get up and keep going. Now…. I can't bring myself to pray, I can't believe that a guy who stood by me when I yelled at him that things weren't perfectly aligned, or who I told something bad was going to happen because I didn't properly do a ritual or asked me to marry him knowing that kids might not be an option, would be cursed with such a horrible disease. I want these meds to heal him and put his disease in remission but I am done hoping for anything so I'm expecting the worse.