I’m kind of tired of blogging, chatting, venting…..all of it. I want more and I want to be more for my kids and myself. I thought I found love that would save me. That’s usually my problem with love though, I’m always wanting to be saved and thats just fairytale thinking. I moved back home almost two years ago now, I was suppose to stay for a couple months and get it together but here I am still with no real income and two kids under 5 just disrupting my very old parents peace. My dad is starting to lose his memory and my mom has taken a couple falls which she needed assistance getting up from. I can’t believe we are really here where my parents are elderly and I am still at home.

I started my own business and I thought it would take off so fast because I thought I would have so much help and support but its easier to roll eyes and wait for the other shoe to drop then to help right? I’m tired. I became everything I didnt want to be in this life and it sucks. I’m single, fat, broke, angry,and much more. Yea I’m a whole bunch of positive things as well but this blog this morning is one of depreesing things unfortunately. I try to be there for everyone but I have spent my whole life being everyone everything and when it comes to me no one seems to have that same energy.

I wish I had some mommy frineds that were like minded. Yes I’m homeschooling, no I don’t want your vaccinations or your medications or any of that. This world has become a fucking prison and very invasive. Never know when your human rights will be violated especially in America right now. Anyway…..

I use to blog here years and years ago when it was just depression tribe really. I had gotten so depressed that blogging and chatting was as close to reality as I got. I lived and breathed online life. It was such an escape from real life. Now I actually have a real life and I still dont wanna deal. I feel STUCK like never before. I just want a little help. A little more help raising these babies from their dad, a little help getting on my feet, a little help with business. I wish I could clone myself so I could be the best friend for me that I need but oh well.

My family constantly puts me down but expects me not to feel shit because Im  a grown woman they say. I am all over in my mind and have so many different projects I’m working on i dont know which needs my focus. Trying to publish books, run a company, be a good mom, and enjoy life all at once. I’ve fucked up already with my oldest kids who now reside with their dad and just dont have the same energy toward me anymore. Hurts like death but hey, I’m crazy right? SMH, I hate labels aand I hate that I let these humans turn me into this that I am at times.

See sometimes I’m strong and normal and can handle alot. But sometimes I’m arkward and antisocial and scared to look inthe mirror let alone be around more than 4 people at once. I’m many different people and its like I never know how I’m gonna wake the next day and its sad. I always wake though, and I always care for the smaller ones. I was going to therapy and had a life coach and started to try getting on a schedule and then BOOM just quit, moved from the toxic environment, went back home with 2 babies. Now I’m stuck again and the energy here is just not what i need. I wish everything didnt cost, even humanity is expensive asf right now.