Things were better than they had been in ages, even with currently being jobless… As much as I tend to have the irrational fear of "jinxing myself" to admit it(please tell me there's someone out there who has that same problem!), I can't deny that due to a variety of factors, I've felt better than I had been in years these past 8 months or so…. having finally emerged from the depths of hell consisting of a horrific bout of depression(and anxiety attacks too, but I would give the slight edge to depression as to what was a little more prevelant)from May '09 to somewhere between Jan-May '12….by far the worst out of all the previous dreadful bouts I dealt with off and on throughout the years proceeding it, which is saying a lot , because a lot of those other ones were quite awful too…. you know, I guess it was one of those things where I could possibly even say I was"stronger for having gone through it",and all that shit….. I had been finally achieved some level of .peace with myself after years and years of beating myself up and hating myself…but ,,,then, all in a short span of time within the last 1-2 weeks: a nemesis emerges out of nowhere here on DT and goes overboard with her verbal assaults on me and yet shakes me into realizing a harsh reality I was blissfully ignoring; a close friend decides to remind me out of the clear blue of a long-owed debt I have to him; an old friend whom I haven't seen in years tells me she's going to be in NYC this fall and how great it would be if I could come visit her while she's there(and I'll elaborate more on why that's not a good thing either)…it all converged at once, and it worries me, and scares me, and it threatens to "disturbs the peace" within me that I mentioned before that I had finally obtained….
It started with the Nemesis here on DT… if "The Flow of the Universe" as I prefer to call it(just think of it as a more dramatic way of saying "destiny" I guess would be the best way to describe it)gave me hopes with one girl showing up in my life virtually out of the clear blue….it gave me hopelessness and harsh reality with the appearance of another…the nemisis in question showed up sometime around mid-December I think it was; she apparently was a fairly new member, her profile stating that she joined in November I think. Anyway, she apparently became fixated on replying to just about all my blogs, thought she was helping me with what she apparently considered to be construcitve criticism, "tough love" I guess, etc. But it got to be where I was unable to interpret as anything more than her ripping me to shreds with her incessant name-calling and lack of sensitivity to a very worrisome situation I'm going through right now regarding the health of my Dad…and apparently, a moderator among others on here agreed with me that she was going too far; she was promptly sent a stern warning, and I have not heard from her since(she actually tried to block ME before I could block her probably in an attempt to prevent me from showing transcripts of emails she sent me and replies to blogs, etc to the moderator as I was in the process of reporting her. Luckily, she failed)…But there is one thing that I can't deny she was right about that I was more or less blissfully ignoring until she brought it up: this girl–the one I referred to above who more or less came out of virtually nowhere into my personal universe(if anyone has been a "faithful follower" to any of my recent blogs, you might be familiar with the whole story regarding her by now–more than you would care to be–not that I could blame you. As for any new readers out there, if there are any at all..eh, I'll be noble enough to spare you with boredom regarding the details at the moment) that I have taken a liking too but have not gone so far as to be able to meet in person as of yet, well,even if it could somehow work out with her with some other odds that probably stand in the way of it doing so, there's one factor for certain that the Nemesis pointed out to me that ensures it's not plausible at this time: I'm jobless right now, probably will be for the forseeable future, which means I have precious little $ to be able to spend on taking this girl out,,,that's a harsh reality that occasionally passed through my mind even before the Nemisis appeared and was all too willing to point this out to me, but for the most part a reality that hid in the back of my mind….and the reality as well is that my thinking/far-fetched hope that when/if we were to finally meet in person, if the chemistry was there as much as it has appeared to be online, that somehow I would figure out a way to make it work? it's a fantasy, I suppose, and it's not thinking realistically, and it's been painful to accept this…
Regarding the old friend whom I haven't seen in years telling me she's going to be in NYC this fall and how great it would be if I could come visit her while she's there…she's from Sweden, and used to work as a nanny for my sister years ago. We were somewhat close in age and hung out together for a while during that time…We reconnected within the last couple of years via Facebook…and even across the miles, she had been one of my best and most supportive friends when I was going through the aforementioned bout of depression….So as I said, she told me about a week ago that she's going to be coming to the USA in Aug or Sept, said I should come visit her while she's there, etc…And how does this threaten to "disturb the peace" and make me worry that it too can trigger depression?…because it's the realization that I won't have the money to afford to travel to NYC to visit her-probably if I were to even get a job between now and then, but definitely not if I don't….
(To Be Continued…assuming anyone who's actually reading this actually gives a damn. Thankfully, I don't consider that important–the biggest thing with the blogging here on DT is that it's therepeutic for me)