when ocd blindsided me in 2002, I told my mom that I have ocd. I didn’t really know how to bring it up to her, she came into my room, and I said, hey, you see these videos how they’re disorganized, well, that bothers me. I showed her an ocd site, and she was very supportive. I made an appointment to see my doctor, and I visited him in April, 2002. I explained to him, what was going on in my head, and he said, “you have ocd”. I knew I did, I just wanted confirmation, and to see if there was anything I could take to ease it.

My doctor gave me paxil 10mg. I took that for a month, and my next appointment came up. I admit, the paxil 10mg helped me a lot, it really did.

My next visit to see my doctor, he upped my dosage of paxil, to paxil CR. I don’t know why, I told him, paxil 10mg was helping me, but he insisted that I take paxil CR.

I was worried about side effects. I asked him, what about the side effects? I told him, I don’t want to gain weight, and he said, the side effects “far outweigh” the negative effects of not taking it.

I trusted him, and I took paxil CR for one week, and I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I had bad feelings about it, so I stopped taking it.

My ocd got worse, and it was my fault, I admit that, if you read my profile, I developed a severe contamination ocd, which made things extremely difficult for me to do.

of course, being a person with ocd, I was able to hide certain things about my ocd, because I was embarassed, all of my family were noticing changes.

I admit, I was stubborn, when I didn’t want to take my medication, and it was stupid of me not to go back to see my doctor sooner. I did see him in 2003, because I had this bad callouse on my finger, which wouldn’t heal. I was afraid to tell him that I stopped taking my medication to treat my ocd. I hid the fact, that my ocd was severe. I learned when to hide it, but behind my door here in my room, I was struggling each day really. There were times when I just wanted to sleep, and I have no idea sometimes what kept me from getting out of bed each morning, because sometimes I had to make my bed 20 times to get it “just right”.

Time went on, my ocd worsened, my fault, I know.

I began talking to my mom more, as she noticed how bad I was struggling, she told me I could see my doctor anytime I wanted too.

For some reason, my contamination ocd eased up, I’m not sure whether it was the hard work I put into controlling my contamination ocd, or whether I grew out of it. Over time, I developed responsbility ocd.

I’m thinking, how awful is this, I finally get some freedom from my contamination ocd, and now I gotta deal with responsbility ocd. At the time, I didn’t know it was called responsbility ocd, I just knew, it was some form of ocd, which seems to hit in waves.

May 2006, I just really couldn’t take anymore pounding, from unwanted thoughts, and the anxiety, the worrying, constant worrying, I broke down, and told my mom that I gotta see my doctor.

Which I didn’t have good feelings about, what was I going to tell him?

That I didn’t follow his orders?

So I went, I went to see my doctor on May 23rd, 2006.

I told him, what I was thinking, he said I had high blood pressure, and that could be from the anxiety, stress, the worrying, and also from not eating right, and perhaps because my parents have high blood pressure.

He then brought up paxil cr, and I then had to tell him, that I stopped taking it. He was very upset, I mean, he was very very upset.

He then says, I’m not treating your ocd anymore.

I’m thinking, and also worried, saying, hey! give me a chance to tell you that my contamination ocd eased up!

He didn’t even give me the chance. He said I need to see a physciatrist, and wrote down a name and number. I then felt, like I was kicked out of the patients room, basically, as he said, come on, let’s go.

I sat down in the waiting area, and he wanted to speak with my mom, because she’s the only person in my family that knows I have ocd.

He talked to her, for 5 minutes, while I sat, in the waiting room, embarrassed, because I felt like I was the first and probably only person to be kicked out of the patients room.

After he talked to my mom, I was then charged $90 (I don’t have health insurance)

I’m thinking, hey, I waited 45 minutes in the patients room, then I get to talk to my doctor for 5 minutes, and that’s it?

He didn’t even talk to me about my allergies, which I wanted to speak to him about.

So, I was upset, I also have social anxiety, so I said no way to seeing a Physciatrist, no way.

I thought about getting a new doctor, but there’s a part of me, that wants to go back to see my doctor, to show him how I’m improving, but I am also worried about that visit, because I know he’s going to ask, did you see a physciatrist?

I’m doing better than I was, but I don’t know what I should do about seeing my doctor again? Do I go there for a visit, to tell him how I’m doing?

or if I go there, am I facing more rejection?

I know he has every right to be angry at me, because I stopped taking my medication, but it was my choice, and I feel like I paid dearly for it, because I was pounded by ocd for years, but now that I’m doing better, there’s a part of me that wants to go there, to say, hey doctor, look at me, I’m well, I’m better.

but I don’t know.

I can’t afford to see a physciatrist, plus my social anxiety, I’m afraid of it interfering with my ocd, which is better, but I always fear a setback.

I have mixed emotions about it. I say this, if he offered me medication in May 2006, I would have accepted, I felt I deserved a second chance, but he didn’t want to give me a second chance.

Sorry for this long post, this is like, 5 years of my saga vs ocd, and just felt like I’d share.