Work was crappy.  As always.  But I had fun jokeing around with Ricky.  He is too funny for himself…


We left early, as always, I know we are bound to get caught eventually.  I need to chill out leaving early.  But it gets so boring when it only takes four hours, sometimes less, to clean the damn place.


He drove me to Lisas in Bedford.  Cirena was helping her clean.  Which I got anxious on the car ride.  And even more anxious at Lisas house.  Devin was being cute, showing me some tricks on his skateboard.  Which made me happy and angry, at the same time.  If that makes any sense…  I get so fucking jealous.  I don't want to but I do.  I can't help it.  I wish I were not like this.  It makes me "feel" like I am evil.  But I know I am not.  I hate that feeling…  It makes me want to say evil things out loud, and I don't mean them, but they tend to offend other people…  Most tend to think I am psychotic…  That I am scary.  I just have a hard time sharing my feelings and sympathy appropriately according to the "rules" of society. 


And I remember once, when I was being tested for special ed…  I "failed" the emotional part…  And I remember a guy handed me a paper and said to draw a pciture of a person…  And I drew the fucking asshole, and he was scary looking, and they said I was immature…  Go figure, maybe I am…  You would think that these people in the feild of child phycology could determine an immature drawing from a cry for help drawing…  I guess in all reality everything is all my fault because I am the idiot would doesn't know how to share my feelings appropriately…  Or without acting like a child.  And I don't mean to sound like an asshole, like I know everything, because I don't know everything…  It's not like that.  No one understands me, ever…  Sigh…


Anyway as for the drive home it was alright…  I kicked back the seat and closed my eyes and listened to some music.


Then When we got home I told Cirena when I want alone time, it has nothing to do with her, I just want to be left alone…  And she said fine…  Which I know that will last for a little while, because we've had that conversation many times before, then she will flip out and demand for me tell her what is wrong…  Like I need a reason to be alone…


Oh well I am almost back to my "normal" self…  My head is still doing funny things every now and then.  But I can stop it for the most part…  It still hurts.  And my stomach hurt only once today.


As for the rituals they have chilled out.  I still do them.  I can stop myself and say "Don't do that!"  Sometimes…  As for thinking something bad will happen…  It's still there but on the down low.  I'm afraid they will come back full force and I won't be able to tell myself "Stop thinking something bad will happen." Or stop thinking about all the possible scary outcomes.


I am a little bit drained.  This is hard work…  Pulling myself back out of a dark place.  And I want to call Derick to make sure he is fine, that he not out doing something that will cause himself or someone else harm, but I just can't bring myself to do that.  No one understands me, ever.  I should have been born a guy.  I feel so lost most of the time.  I am lonely but I am not at the same time…  If that makes sense…  But I have people that make me laugh.  So I should be thankful that…


Yay for thinking.  And I mean that in the least sarcastic way ever…


And yes, maybe I am depressed a little.  I'll admit that.  And I can pull myself out of it as hard as it may be.  But maybe I should just take something to help me…  :\  Sigh…

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 14 years ago

    Do you have a therapist.  You may need help sorting out the issues that bother you and then you feel bad that you have issues.

    0 kudos

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