OK this is a little off the topic of my day to day OCD where i need everything in perfect orfer, which i do but perhaps my odc is not helping the situation and the fact that everything in my life has just fallen apart anyway i ve got to the stage where i just wonder what the hell the point is, altghough something is telling me that i need to keep my job so how the hell im going to muster up the strength to get ready for work in an hour's time and try to avoid all the OCD obsticles that are going to be in my way today and the fact that i am stressed out anyway means that the OCD will be worse than usual, i downed a couple of glasses of wine and a bottle of champange last night and im sure that won't help either but i think i ll buy another bottle tonight and down it on my own instead of eating, i ve tried to get my life back, i ve been eating healthy, barely drinking (until last night), even somehow managing to half control my OCD over the past couple of weeks and all i ve got back is friends being hypacryticval and turning against me, the discovery taht my boyfriend is using me to better himself and even my own body turning against me 🙁 So im going to share some of what s on my mind so at least i ve got iut off my chest, i don't expect sympathy or ppl pretending to be supportive anymore 🙁
Firsly, my body….i have not been too good to it over the past couple of years because i ve really really had a terrible time of it….the fact that i am confused about my body anyway because i was brought up by my parents to believe that i was either too fat, too thin and unsexy and that ppl would treat me badly is another thing altogether but it doesn't help. I have been so so healthy over the past couple weeks and doing exersize yet i still keep gaining weight, what is going on? Also Im twnety six years old, i really want children one day, although i know the time is not practical right now (even though part of me would be delighted if i got pregnant). I ve been doing the ovulation tests over the past month, i could not detect my surge. The line went almost dark a wkek after i thought i should ovulate but then faded again the next day. Plus i ve been nusing two kits at times (probably due to my OCD) and i they both siad different things. 🙁 Plus over the last two moths i have not been getting that sticky discharge that i usually get around ovulation time. I am so sorry to be graphic but i can't talk about my probs anywhere else to anyone, 🙁 Im really scared that i may have polysysitic overies or something. Knowing my luck i probabaly do, and will have probs with my weight all my life and never have children. I so desparately want children and time is not on my side 🙁 With OCD time is not on my side anyway as i spend most of my life worrying and obsessing so can't appreciate whats around me although i try to pretend. My whole life is about pretending to be ok as everything that bothers me seems so trivial to everyone else.
The second thing that bothers me is whats going on with my boyfriend at the moment. I was so happy when we got together back in September. We had three fantastic months together but then in jan things have started to go a bit wrong. culteral differences and religion started to get in the way (I felt he was trying to convert me), And now he is telling me that he wants me to go back to Africa with him. He did not even bother to ask me how i felt about it and what about my family and stuff? Not that my family or friends would care if i was gone (sometimes i don't evcen think they'd notice if i was dead or they would just pretend to be upset to get attention :() He is very involved with politics over there and hoping to become a preseident and want me to be the fist lady, i don't know anyything about African politics so don't know what is going on and he doesn't really explain. Part of me wonders if he is involved in something dodgey, or is using me for something. At the end of the day most ppl do use me for something or other as im not very attractive, look stupid, have a mild form of autism and don't have very much going for me 🙁
My friends….they all use me at the best of times. When i was really down in 2008, i had just come out of a five year relationship, i was not speaking to my parents because they partly caused the breakup (another long story which im sure i ve ranted about before on this site) and other stuff. They just generally belittled me and to this day i still remember all the things they said throughtout my childhood, adolescence and even adulthood. They still put me down so i keep a distrance. They also give me no support for my mild autism and OCD, if anything they hold it against me and just get annoyed because i obsess about things and treat me like im an idiot and expect me to mess up all the time. Sorry i ve gone off track a little bit…back to my friends..so in 2008 i was having an awful time, the breakup, my parents, i did not get on with my housemates, i had problems with food and drink, i then got kicked out of two places of accomodation, lost my job at the end of the year, my father got cancer,l i had a cervical cancer scare, my ocd bvecame unbearable and not one person was there for me. Everyone said they would if they couold but when it came to it, noone was there. I was all alone. Now my best friend is in a bit of a predicament and has to move and everone is around her, helping her. i ve helped her so much because i care about her but i haven't been able to help everyday as i have work and my own life to sort out, i know ppl were slagging me off for that she just expects me to drop everything and be there at her beckon call. i just can't. i wish i could but i can't and ocd makes it even harder because i need to know whats going on but noone seems to care or appreciate that 🙁
Michael Jackson…Im still desparately upset that Michael Jackson died in June last year. I don't talk about it very much because when i do ppl tell me im being obsessive, childish and that his death has nothing to do with me. And then i feel guilty because i know that obviously bhis family must be feeling terrible and then i feel sad for them and its like a viscious cycle, i sometimes wonder why he is dead and not me? He was my first love. I never met him os this all sounds pathetic but when i was 12 i thought i was in love with him and i always thought he had amazing talent and was a wonderufl human being. Also what i don't get is that im constantly being critiscised for not appreciating other ppls feelings, so if a celebrity dies, who i did not particulalry like im supposed to [pretend that I did? I don't pretend, i keep my mouth shut because i know that we all have differences of opinion. One of my girlie mates was very open on facebook about how she felt about MJs death, that she couldn't give a curled piece of shit and that he was a child molester, then she goes and calls her own mother and other's ignorant. SHE'S IGNORANT! If im perfectly honest i feel that ppl who do not like MJ and believe that must have been dropped on their head at birth but i say nothing, i keep my mouth shut depite my feelings. 🙁