I have a doctor appointment tomorrow (today, actually–it's 4am already). It's been scheduled for a few weeks already. I would never go see a doctor at all if I didn't need to to get prescriptions for my ADHD meds. I hate the clinic where I go. I always have to wait forever to get in even if I'm early or right on time. This is a huge pain since I don't drive. My sister has to take me on her way to work. My ride back home suddenly fell through the other day and gave me a near stress attack. Thankfully, I've gotten it worked out for someone else to pick me up.

I'm trying to work up the courage to tell my doctor about my OCD. I tend to just tell the doctor and anyone else that I don't have any other concerns because I don't want to deal with it–like an idiot, of course, since I know it will come up again later. It wasn't always like this. For six years I had the same doctor. It was at a private practice, so it was friendlier. I loved going there. But my doctor retired…. And, of course, I got old enough that I couldn't be on my parents insurance unless I was in school full-time–and that never worked out. Ugh! I hate that clinic! I don't like to tell the doctor anything because I just want to get out of there.

Of course, I have a new doctor again this time. This doctor retired, too. I have no idea what the new doctor is like. But maybe it will be like a fresh start. On the other hand, maybe I'll be so thrown off by the experience of a new doctor that I can't tell him anything of importance.

I have these fears that I'll chicken out because "Oh, I feel fine right now, so it's not that bad…." Or I'll blank out and not be able to explain why I believe I have OCD, and I won't be taken seriously because of it. "Well, I-I-I…I check the door to make sure it's locked…sometimes." (Yeeeah, that'll convince him!)

But I just want to be diagnosed so that maybe I'll stop second-guessing myself so much.  I can remind myself–a doctor confirmed it.

But then I was struck with the thought: What if he ignores it or tells me I don't have OCD?  It brings panic over me.  Why? It's not like it would mean anything except that he's a stupid doctor or that he realized my symptoms pointed to something else, maybe.  But it would give me a reason to deny or doubt what I think I know.

Aaaa!  Why can't I just relax?  Why can't I be normal? (Whatver that is?)  I don't really mind the fact that I have OCD. Everybody has issues.  I'm just relieved to be able to put a name to my big issues.  I'm relieved to be able to explain them in some way.  And I just want to be able to get some help; to stop the anxiety–the horrible, horrible anxiety!  Heart pounding, rapid breathing, sick stomach, head numb, but spinning…ugh, why am I…why am I doing that right now? Calm down, girl!  I want to be able to stop or at least manage my compulsions.  To be able to get things done…. I want to be able to brush my teeth instead of just sitting here, letting them rot away and worrying about it every now and then.  Why can't I make myself get up and DO it?!

Do I want meds? No. I can't afford the ones I'm already on.Do I want therapy? IthinkI need it. But I'm afraid. I can't afford it, I hate being away from home, and I hate having to depend on other people to get me there and havingto inconvenience them. I don't know what I want. Mostly, I just want a diagnosis for thetime being. I don't know if this doctor will be able to give me that, of course….

I feel like curling up in a ball andhiding. Silly girl that I am…what will I do with myself? Please pray for me.

I almost hope I will be anxious about itjust so I won't chickenout because I feel OK inthe moment and so it willbe obvious there'ssomething wrong, so I can't denyit.

Is it weird that I've been havingtheoccasional compulsionto suckmy thumb lately? lol Yes, that is extremely weird. *sigh* I don't think I evendid that as a baby. At least it's less damaging than pulling my hair. I feel like I'm reaching theedge of insanity.