As of recently for the past couple months or so my ocd has been as bad as I have ever had it. Ive had to take a temporary leave from work as of a week and a half ago. Thinking that would releave my anxiety. Since then my anxiety has skyrocketed and my main obsession has tirned to an impossible driving fear. As of a couple days ago i felt so damn frustrated I decided to end my faith in God. Ive always been a lifelong christian with a firm belief in God. My faith took a big hit back in 2005 when I was diagnosed out of the clear blue to be in heart failure. Turns out I was born with a weakened heart I didnt know about until I was 19. Obviously my life has changed since then. I have some really sweet looking chest scars from two ope heart surgeries. I tak heart meds daily that lower my blood pressure and make me slightly dizzy. And my days of going out and drinking more than a drink or two a week are over. I asked myself hundreds of times why me?? What did I ever do wrong to deserve this. Theres people out there who abuse cocaine whos hearts are fine. Ive lived a normal life and I get this. But I held strong I kept my faith in God and looked at my heart issue as somhow having a purpose. But this OCD pushed me to the point recently where I feel like I hate God. I go to therapy every week ive tried so many meds, and still my life is just a twisted web of anxiety along with the constant worry of having a weak heart. I just wanna give God a huge middle finger right now. I worship and believe in you and you give me this?? While people who are genuinely mean no good people have greta lives I get stuck with this? At this point I wanna get my faith back. I feel like faith is one of the strong things I have to keep me going. I want to believe theres a God out there who cares. Anyway im just wondering if anybody has experienced feeling this way? Thankfs for reading

4 Comments
  1. Catoptromancy 9 years ago

    Hey there, DG.

     

    You know…I understand where you are at, even though I've never given up my faith. Lots of stuff gets thrown at us in life…and the people who are mean and awful…well, you don't know what sort of private hell they have in their heads when they close the doors and go to bed. God isn't responsible for a weakness in your heart. You know, my one parent has gone through three cancers and an auto-immune disease that's killing her liver and kidneys…and she'll need a transplant…and I've always said…it should be my -Dad-, because he drank, so it should be his liver. Then I look at what -we- have. Each other and the dog. My Dad is all alone. He isn't loved or happy and when he dies…nobody is going to miss him. My Gran was dying of cancer when I was a little girl…and my other Gran asked her if she ever wondered why -her-? And my Gran said…no, she never wondered…because she'd rather it be -her- than one of her children or grandchildren. And when she went for radiation, she met a three year old boy with cancer…and she bought him a giant stuffed animal because…I guess she felt he was worse off than she was because she had a full life. I don't think God is responsible for this stuff. I don't think God picks good people and decides to play ant farm. Bad people have stuff happen to them, too. And some bad people just haven't had things catch up to them yet. Things happen. You might as well blame the environment…or the government for being lax in standards for manufacturing that allows all sorts of chemicals into everything. God, though? At the end of the day…He's there. He's listening. And while he doesn't always answer prayers the way we want Him to…there's kind of a comfort knowing He's out there, no? When my dog, Teddy, died on April 2nd…I tried to kill myself. Twice. I didn't succeed. And two weeks later I brought home a dog of the same breed…but he makes me believe in God. It sounds silly, but…Teddy had a multi-colored mouth. So does Max. My dog before Teddy, Noodle, had a little white spot on his chest. Now…those are allowable by breed standard if they're no more than a couple inches wide. Max has the tiniest white spot on his chest…growing right where his heart is. And the breeder assured me it would grow out. That his sire had been born with one and it had no roots. Well, Max got his hair cut…and it's got roots. It's like God and my former dogs specifically brought me Max to show me they were there. Life is full of tiny miracles, DG. It's sometimes hard to see them, but they're there. You ever see the movie Signs? It's easily one of the worst films ever made, but there's a quotation from it that absolutely says it all. Graham says, "See, what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way…is it possible that there are no coincidences?" Everything in the film adds up to a case for faith. And I've got another quote for you…by Robert Browning. "You call for faith, I show you doubt to prove that faith exists. The more of doubt, the stronger faith, I say, if faith o'ercomes doubt." Keep your faith. It makes you strong…even if you don't always feel like it.

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  2. jeffbulldog 9 years ago

    i have had ocd violent thoughts for 40 years. im retired law enforcement, and it was very hard to do my job sometimes. i have turned my back per say on god a few times. doing things i should not do as a christian. but i always came back. i cant tell why he alows this what feels like torture, but he is my whole world. without him there realy is no hope. my wife and i read and pray together, church together and it makes life worth living. everyone looses faith sometimes, but i am confident that he loves you and me with a everlasting love. i dont have the answers, but never give up on god, he hasnt give up on you and never will. i will pray for you. god bless

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 9 years ago

    All I know is God expects much from his followers. Apparently, when God does this, he does not explain. I think many of us have stories where we've been sorely tried. Or maybe it's like rain, it falls of  everyone. I guess that's why it's called faith. 

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  4. dgesrt1085 9 years ago

    Thanks everybody for responding. I am more than pissed off in general at not only myself but the world in general as you can tell. I'm just continuing to keep on living my life driving when I can and trying not to let the anxiety get to me. It's almost like because I'm so into cars and have enjoyed driving my whole life that's why Ocd wants to attack it so much and make it not pleasurable at all. Once again thanks

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