Another beautiful fall day. Somehow, again, I am seeing where I am in life and scratching my head as to how this happened. I have much to be thankful for, yet so much that makes me unhappy on a daily basis. I have a husband that loves me, would do anything for me, but whose personality is so difficult and arrogant that I found I have almost completely retreated into a shell of a person, so far from who I had worked so hard to become. I don't move around as much, am not active as much, drink too much to deal with my disapointment, fear and stress, don't engage in fun activities. I feel that I have let him shape me into someone that I don't want to be and don't like. However, I know he means well and that he does the best he can. We both come with baggage and dysfunction that needs a lifetime of  reprogramming. It has been suggested to me numerous times to leave him. But, first off, that is not possible for me tangibly. Second, no matter who you choose to live your life with, you inevitably have road blocks and difficulties to manage. He would do anything for me; has given me a dream come true with a home and horses and pets in the country. However, injuries and life's obstacles have changed the outcome of what our move to the country was suppose to be. I am not able to "work" in the equine field, and am now so far from everything that finding a job is nearly impossible. He loves me, but his insecurities and pride have created the biggest wall I've ever encountered in a man, he talks down to me, passes judgement on everything, acts superior to the degree that I now doubt myself more than ever, even tho I know deep down I am smarter than him, and that I am a strong, gifted woman with lots to offer the world. But, running from our problems won't lead me to the perfect mate. Marriage is a constant work in progress. I want to learn to be the best me, despite the issues he brings to the table. Instead, I've let his issues become mine. So, here I sit, tired from a hard week of farm work, tired from a late night with a few too many beers, knotted stomach from poor food choices and meds I need to take when my stomach acts up, looking out the window at the perfect day. My dogs follow me from room to room, my horses nicker to me, but the thought of the effort needed to motivate to take the dogs out and play (there are 3 and it's a lot of work) or to go grab my mare and saddle her up, those thoughts alone make me too tired to anything but sit here and type and feel miserable, guilty, sad, frustrated and lonely. How do I end this cycle?


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