The last year of highschool 2000
I had one of those epic level falling outs complete with Ostrasizm, betrayal, and that uneasy feeling that you get when something horrible has gone wrong and you feel like if you could just get someone to listen then it would all wash away.
It lead me to a few bottles and the fake and empty world of raves where you don't even have to use your real name with people. I gave up the raves quickly when I realized that I couldn't stand the music or people.
It was misserable and I hurt and I even found a way to get back at most the people who hurt me because at the time I thought it would make me feel better. Then five years later I realized that there lives had gone on and mine hadn't.
I've tried many things to come to peace with that part of my life, I've told myself that there white picket lifestyles are old news. Nobody watches leave it to beaver anymore. It's all about Intervention these days.
I looked a few up that had turned out just as misserable as me. Hell, one guy killed himself.
For me, what I realy couldn't get over was the way down deep feeling that maybe I deserved it. They called me a bastard, and a liar, and took all the things I had comfided in them and shoved it back in my face. And I was hurt and mad but for the life of me I couldn't think of a good reason for them not to reject me. I would.
I hurt because they had been the first people in a long time to act like they understood me, accepted me, and made me feel ok even when I didn't want to. They had told me I was wrong about myself and I started to beleive them. They took that all a way because of one lie someones girlfriend had said because she didn't like me. She even admitted it when the dust settled but the damage had been done.
This isn't an I need advice blog or an opportunity to be reminded to pray and turn it over. I've been coming to peace with this for the past two years. I've done the praying for them and I've even ment it. I've delved as far into my part of it as I could possibly go. And the once open would it has been, is now a faint scar and a mild feeling of regret and morning.
Some times the best way to ease the pain comes in the telling.