Yesterday I was supposed to go to see a clinical psychologist. I got as far as the door to the office when I lost it. I tore up the referral and went home again. This morning I have a new plan. At the moment I lead two lives. One at work, where I am relatively sociable and have a good time, and the other at home where I have no friends, nothing to do and struggle with suicidal thoughts. The reason I struggle with those thoughts is because I don’t want to kill myself, but here’s where my plan kicks in. I have accepted the fact that one day I am going to kill myself. Some people are still born, others just aren’t meant to live. But does that mean my impending suicide should ruin the rest of my life? I’m not going to struggle anymore. I just want to make the most of what I’ve got left. So I’m going to restructure my two lives. In one life I shall be happy. I shall be sociable. And I will ignore the voice inside that wants me to die. In the other life I will plan my suicide – actually it’s already planned but I need to make a change of materials. When it’s time to me to die then at least I will have had one decent life. When I finally lose it I don’t want to hurt anybody else. If I have a plan in place with the equipment ready then I won’t do anything stupid. So I’m off to build my fake life. I’m not going to take my meds, they just remind me that I’m depressed. I’m not going to see the doc, his opinion doesn’t matter. I am capable of living a happy life. I just need to suppress this until I’m ready to die.
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One of those periodic low points
mariacarmela, , Depression, Career, Depression, 0
I just joined this community today. I’ve been feeling a little low the past couple days, but today I...
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Guilt
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Guilt seems to be my constant companion. LoL any chance a Guilt Tribe is going to premier here soon?...
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Feelings…
delane, , Anxiety, Depression, Marriage & Family, Anxiety, Career, Child, Questions, Relationships, 4
i can’t help but feel like i’ve ruined a great deal of my life. No, this is not a...
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Point of Breaking
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It all feels too much. No amount of journaling is helping, at least not for very long. I’m losing...
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Silver Lining
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I have decided that I need to take a break from men. When I was younger I was very...
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The Remnants
thebadkitty, , Depression, Sleep Disorders, 0
"I am not going to hurt myself today." I woke up telling myself that, silently and with a miserable...
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Sex and the City and Road Rage on a Sunday
vainglorious615, , Depression, Anger, Relationships, Schizophrenia, Sex Therapy, Weight Loss, 0
I don't like that I can't type in an "other" mood…so my current mood is "distracted." I'm trying to...
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in search of….
delane1, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Marriage & Family, OCD, Wellness Tips, 2
Gonna try and get this out before i leave again… i’ve been feeling so fed up with the inactivity...


















