sometimes i truly believe a demon.is in my head. how the hell does it know me so well. Why does it torture me with every single thing that breaks my heart….. the only thing that i have to relieve mme of my loneliness is my destructive mind….its like the only friend that’s always around..but its my worst enemy. Why don’t you ever shut the fuck up… please. why is it that no matter how far i might come or how much i might learn… all i need is for it to catch me at the wrong moment… and i just wish i could die. the only thing that drowns is it out SOMETIMES..is this loud ass music..that helps me somehow bleed it out of my eyes just for a bit. why did you rob me of who i could have been..you steal my sense of humor you steal everything.. When i see a couple holding hands you tell me how it will never ever be me…because of how disgusting i am… and how fucked up my head is. you magnify all the pains to an unbearable point… you paint the most horrifying saddening pictures and they never ever fucking go away. i tried to smoke weed for all these years and cloud you up but you attack even harder. now just quit it all so i could take the serequel and anti depressant bla bla bla… no insurance leaves you pretty much to die…but wait no im a warrior ill fight this trhough without therapy…. warriro you say eh?
i hit you with every last ounce of strength yet you pummell me to my knees. you’ve stolen my every friend….. and you give me eyes to see the evil that i cause. you give me eyes to see everything so much deeper than anyone else… its like my very own curse that never goes away…. college???? family???? house……..dreams ….. real career…..love…………… happiness???? no chance. not only do i not deserve it…but i will never ever have that..and you constantly find new ways of reminding me….. you show up in different forms… you had me thinking i was a prophet…. when you first came i really thought i was posessed…. with all the lunacy and wickedness that flooded my soul. went to different churces pastors priests everyone turns me away. i felt as if the very arrow of the wrath of God shot through my heart. oh so it has a name scrupulosity you say? for years i feared even trying to talk to a girl because you had me convinced i was a prophet for god and that he would punish me severely for not obeying…whether or not that was the devil blinding me..looks like someone has indeed punished me… for over 10 years ive smoked weed and drank and tried to drown this shit out…. self medication…. or slow suicide i guess you could call it. how do you find the motivation to do anything for yourself when you hate yourself with all your heart. When all you ever do is ruin peoples day but all you ever want to do is make people happy and heal all of our hurts. constantly trying to push me to jump in front of the train or take control of the wheel and end it all… it’s like everything that my heart would never ever even for one second take any pleasure in you dare me to do it. an ocd mind just plays the most horrible scenes in your mind … unspeakable blasphemies of god and people….. the craziest thing is that you try to be your own psychiatrist cause you know exactly whats going on..and how messed it up it all truly is… but the hell never ends… another battle…and i survive another war between my soul mind and heart. yea i’ll just write another poem and reach out once again… or seclude myself in my own physical jail…. i’ll just wonder if anyone will ever know of what my mind could have been…….. how beautiful life could be………………………….. how much more we appreciate the little things that bring us peace…even if its a fleeing blur…………….. sometimes i wonder how people especially those that are supposed to be close to us…how they just are truly blind to how handicapped this darkness can make us. how they could just be oblivious to the crys of the soul for some kind of help.. whats the solution? whats the answer.. i dont know..but someone please help me find it. I cant stand to see anyone heartbroken or hurt…so why is that everyone just pretends not to see how im not living but dying. Silence is how it ends… because words no longer sufficely describe what is happening. all i can do is release this and wish God would pity me a miracle.