So, I really have no idea how to explain the way I feel today. I am happy because I am with family. I am happy because it is the holidays. I am happy, because my son and husband are full of smiles. I am happy because there is snow on the ground, good food to eat, tons of good movies to watch, etc.
But I am also for some reason super fearful. Okay, that reason isn't so elusive…it's my OCD and my intrusive thoughts. They have been haunting with extra effort lately. It might be due to the medication change. It might be due to the fact we drove for 3 days straight across 2300 miles of the USA. It might be because I am losing the control I was gaining of my little OCD bully. Whatever it is…I am growing weary and ever more fearful.
I am currently hoping to set up an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I called his office once, but accidentally after hours. (Who knows, maybe I am subconsciously doing that on purpose)…But, I am fearful of setting up the appointment. Meeting a new person to discuss the aspects of my OCD always causes me to go into hyperdrive anxiety. Last time, when I first met my current counselor, I was nearly vomiting that morning. But, I know I need to do it. I know I have to take the steps, because it will help me and thus, help my husband and son. But I fear so much that this psychiatrist will just think I am nuts. Will say, "No, you don't have OCD, you are just plain crazy"…That this one will think I am the most awful person alive. And yet, even with all this massive fear, anxiety, whatever, I am still able to find happy moments right now…and I am clinging to those like they are a life preserver in a vast ocean of OCD.