Bulimia.

Bulimia is something i face everyday, just like millions of other people. I wouldn’t say i binge, but I’m addicted to throwing up. I’m hooked on the feeling of relief when i know the food that was once in my system is gone. I yo-yo from being averagely skinny, to having a few extra pounds. I feel horrible, disgusting, worthless, like nothing either end of the scale. I believe you’re truly never happy with your body, you’re constantly trying to change.  We feel we have so much to live up to, when in reality all we have to live up to is what WE want.

You look good wether your thighs rub or not, you look good wether your boobs sag or not or if you’re a guy, dude you’re awesome so who’s gonna care if you haven’t got ‘pecks’, you look amazing wether your ass is big or small, you look fabulous wether your waist/hips are large or tiny, you look great with long or short hair, you slay with tattoos and without them! you get the picture?

We’re all flawed, no make is the same.

But you’re body is yours, and its beautiful.

Today i ate.

I ate garlic bread as a starter, chicken kiev with skinny chips (fries) and peas as a main, and a warm, sweet, sticky chocolate brownie topped with a dollop of milk ice cream. and you know what? It was freaking amazing.

I got home, took my meds and had a big glass of water before bed. I checked my snapchats, replied to people, scrolled through Instagram and listened to some music before falling into a peaceful sleep.

I woke up around two thirty in the morning, just shy of three hours sleep and found myself thinking about the food i ate. I rushed to the downstairs bathroom where no one could hear me, plunged my head in the toilet, stuck my fingers down my throat and gagged before releasing everything.

I took a long hard look in the mirror, i hated what I’ve become. But i cant stop, after years of trying.

Everyday struggles of a bulimic person, eating disorders are important.

Holly X

1 Comment
  1. elf 4 years ago

    I am so sorry you have to endure this.Thank you for the positive body image messages. I am way past how I look and am more concerned about how the excess weight makes me feel (I can’t move well) and the impact on my health. I am morbidly obese and have diabetes. Bu little chance of me developing bulimia; I hate throwing up and I never have that feeling of relief when I do. (I have actually thrown up a couple times this week with no explanation).

    You challenged many of us to love our bodies in spite of perceived deficiencies (no thigh gap, no pecs, etc). I am going to challenge you to love yourself, like yourself in spite of your bulimic actions. Love yourself when you eat and enjoy. Love yourself after you throw up. Maybe if we loved ourselves more we would stop destructive behavior. (I write this as much for myself as for you).

    Best wishes.

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