I hate having to blog, but it's the only thing I know how to do. Everytime I blog, it seems like I do it for something sad, or desperate, but again, when I feel helpless I try to blog.
It started with my manager giving me only 4 shifts next week. I'm a senior employee. Even the new guys have 5 shifts. I've spoken this over with them again and again, and they assure me that everything is fine. That I'm doing 'well'. Yet, they give me just 4 shifts? Not to mention; those four shifts are only 6 hours long! Because I chickened out and left my other location, I got reduced to basically last class. I don't get it. I've tried to ask again and again, what the hell? OK. So I asked for 3 days off in a row last week. Big deal. I need a vacation. Doesn't friggen mean I want 3 days off every week. The one new girl took 7! Urgh.
I always end up feeling like I'm getting pissed on. Seriously. They tell me, "Oh! You're all doing such a good job!" They give us a free box of TimBits. Hey, want a way to motivate me? Why not just lower my shifts? YEAH. I like that. I like only working 6 hour 4 day shifts. It's PERFECT.
I need a new job. I'm just so scared. And not in the friggen; "Oh, you're just nervous too bad for you everyone gets scared and doesn't know what to do" bullcrap. I'm REALLY, painfully scared, as in, my stomach. As in, fuck life.
But I can't take this anymore. I feel humilated. I really do. I take this personally. I work as hard as possible. I really do. I'm tired of all this. Sorry if I have to make enemies, this is just the way it's going to have to be.
And for everyone at the job who complains and then yells at me while I get in trouble for doing what another wanted: piss right off. You stupid buttholes. You liars. You DID have difficult. You DID make mistakes. You DO know you're not perfect. Stop being lazy yourselves and do your jobs.
Life does seem unfair. That's all 'perspective'. It's my 'thought distortion'. I feel life is unfair, no one wants to sympathize with me. But eff them. I do like life. I've tried to 'heal' myself. I got myself anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants. Evidently the dose is not powerful enough, because I'm STILL getting angry, I'm STILL feeling it, and I'm fucking tired.
How about any of those other jerks (who I worry about but clearly aren't worth my worry), step into my shoes? Hey? Would you like that? No, you wouldn't.
I have potential. I'm smart. If I didn't have anxiety, I'd be doing far better than any of them. Eff them. Seriously. Eff them.