12:30 pm feeling afraid of the emptiness, feeling like there is a hole in my soul,
Need to work on stuff , face the day, afraid of facing the day, afarid of facing the inner judge and critic, the inner critic is welded to my psyche, i can’t get rid of the inner critic, who is very harsh and always disappointed and never satisfied, i feel overwhelmed by the inner critic’s demands, part of me feels despair because i feel i can never do it right, so why bother even trying. 12:34 pm
Hlep me God to overcome the inner sense of futility.
12:35 pm just venting about the despair and the reluctance to confront the despair helps ————————–
part of me wants to just run away from the inner critic , the despair that I can ever satisfy the inner critic,
I feel i don’t deserve to escape from my inner hell, part of me feels like this is what i deserve, this is all i am capable of and another part of me wants to resist and fight back. help me God, i feel l can idenfify with Jesus cry from the cross, when he was quoting from psalm 22 "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me" before he surrrendered. I often meditate on Jesus passion in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prays that this cup be taken away but also submits to doing God’s will.
12:42. feels better to cry out to God as Jesus did , to give voice and to pray as I struggle with despair and hope that I can submit to doing the Father’s will,
1:01 pushing against the despair, feels heavy, like a lead weight on my shoulder
1:07 working on what I have been afrraid of, listening to emninem "lose yourself" while working, empathize with his sense of struggle
1:15 pm feeling like i am swimming in quicksand, every stroke is a struggle
1:30 looking at my calender and confronting how often i have procrasinated on a project which I willl project F. Project F is something I very much want to work on but I have been procrasinating on it since 11/14/2008. I have placed it on my calender at least 40 times and I keep rescheduling it. I think the underlying issues are the sense of low self esteem, that I dont’ deserve the sense of accompliahment and recognition that would come if I made progress on the project. I hope that by writing in here, I can start to get unstuck.
1:33 pm, feeling like i have to confront the underlying sense of grief that comes with letting go of my self sabotaging, ironic isn’t it that there is a sadness that I am afraid of that would come with saying bye even for a little while to the self sabotaging which I cling to so ferociiously, at some level, the self sabotaging avoidance respresents parts of my parents and their sabotaging avoidance which I have made part of my psyche, , ther eis a lot of sadness surrounding my feelings about my parent which i have not really faced and would have to face if i let go of those unhealthy parts of me that symbolize my parents because at some level, i feel like a scared child with no one to hold onto.1: 38 pm
1:42 pm feeling antsy, restless, like ants crawling under my skin, getting in tourch with these feelings is getting under my skin, help me God to hang on.
1:43 pm, looking at project b, which i have been procrasinatin g on since 12/18 for at least 23 x, putting it off again, help me to stop prorasinating, that is one of my many prayers to God
1:47 pm afraid of making decisions , afraid of letting go of assignments, i collect assignments like a hoarder collects itesm in his or her home, the uncompleted assignments pile up, like the magazines and newspaper and trash in a hoarder’s home, excpet it is less visible to the naked eye
1:50 looking at project TJ, which i have been procrasinating on since 10/31/2008 for at least 45 x, why is it so hard for me , there is a defiance and resentment that is also present, like an angry child that gets a sense of power from saying no
2:22 pm, working on getting calender organized, more or less organized, need to work on actual assignments and projects, feeling the sadness, the reluctance, feeling like I have to surrender my spirit as Christ did on the cross,
2:32 pm , listening to Taylor Swift "Forever and Always" on Rhapsody, working on an assignment, Like listening to her, her songs are like musical blogs , beautfiful, !
3:22 just spent 22 minutes reading web news from cnn and yahoo, like i was addicted to it,, did work on project i needed, but need to keep moving on to next project, can’t afford to waste almost half hour reaing news, i really am a news junkie, 3:24 pm
3:38 pm, just wasted time doing social emailing ,help me God to stay focused , feel antsy
4:55 pm finished an overdue report, hurrah!, part of me wants to reward myself with doing some addictive web browsing instead of moving onto next report,
6:25 pm been working on confronting projects and tasks that I have been avoiding on for weeks, spent 1.5 hours , feeling antsy, feel good about getting stuff done but also feel antsy because i am entering territory which I dont normally enter , the territory of not being stuck and actually getting stuff done, which feels like i am trespassing onto forbidden grounds, part of me worries that I will be slammed for trespassing by my inner critic 6:29