last night was one of the worst i have experienced in quite a while. I felt so hopeless and i just wanted to either drink myself stupid and/or die.
The sadness just came over me. I felt like i had no where to go, no one to turn to. I went to the Chatroom, but I couldn’t say much, and i didn’t want to bring the room down, as they all seemed like they were in such a good mood. So I went to the "members in need" forum, and posted there. It took a while to get any responses from that, i guess i just was posting at a time when no one is online. As i logged on today I found several postings, and thanks to those wonderful people, your comments are appreciated.
When I didn’t get any responses, for that brief time, I took about 7/8 tablets that are meant to help you sleep. They were actually alergy medicine, but i was willing to try anything. After I took them, about 30 mins later, i found myself back in the chatroom. I freaked everyone out that was in there, So i left again. I turned my cell phone off, i just wanted to be left alone. I knew i wasn’t going to die. I didn’t take enough for that. I just wanted to sleep. I ended up getting a massive headache, heart was feeling wierd and became shakey. I layed down, turned on some music and eventually drifted off to sleep. I remember thinking just before i fell, that I hope i don’t wake up in the morning. This was about 3am.
I was dreaming last night of me walking in a meadow. There was someone out in the distance. They were kneeling down, and screaming out in pain. I ran over to this person, and they said they were dieing, and then the woman died. Right there on the spot. At this time I woke up. I’m not one for dream interpritation so make of that what you will.
Today I woke up around 8am. I still have a headache. I took some pain killers for that, but it hasn’t helped as yet. I may have to take some more.
I managed to call my probation officer a few minutes ago, I needed to make an appointment for this week, and now its tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it, but i’m lucky cause the probation officer I have is wonderful. I’m very lucky I got him. He was the first person i really opened up about my feelings inside, and my thoughts of killing myself. If it wasn’t for him, i would be in jail. Thats no exaggeration either. I may write another blog about that as its a long story.
It looks like its going to rain soon. The clouds are rolling in. I love the smell of rain. I don’t know how to explain it.