i’ve been trying to be cheerful as i can when i am not blogging and such on the site. but i have noticed i have been retreating into isolation more and more as the ocd gets worse and worse. i get messages from people and i put off getting back to them and it ends up me not getting back to them at all. i feel horrible about it. i feel selfish. just right now i feel like i’ve been beaten to a pulp and black and blue from the ocd. i feel like a part of me is totally dead. and that is not a good thing. although now that i wrote about it will probably change. that seems to happen its really weird i will say somethng or write something and my frame of mind will change or i will change my mind on how i feel like that isn’t how i feel anymore. its really strange. i don’t want to be whiny i’ve been accused of that before as a result i don’t talk to any of my friends about my problems anymore because one of my friends said when i’ve i talk there is always something wrong. which is true i do talk like that, and i want to change but right now a part of me asks why should i? i don’t mean to be negative and to me it isn’t negative its just how i am i guess. i try so hard to not be negative and whiny and its hard to not do those things when i never though i was being negative or whiny in the first place. i feel selfish saying all this. i have always put others first and myself last, i’ve done that so often i don’t really know how to put myself first. i lack a lot of social skills so it is hard for me to interact with people and i don’t like being around large groups of people i would rather keep to myself. i feel so blue right now. and i feel like i’ve been beaten mentally so much i don’t know which end is up anymore. i try to so hard to be positive and be happy and put a smile on my face through this and it is just so plain ass hard! i don’t mean to be whiny i am sorry if i come off that way. really i am sorry. i just really depressed. i’m worried i’m relasping on my depression again. i’m worried they are going to dope me up on my meds again. i am worried they are going to lock me up in the hospital again. i feel like i’ve been through hell. but have i really? i have ocd and i’ve been doped up on mental health drugs and i’ve been hospitalized twice for bad reactions to the medication. but i have a very supportive family, i have no money problems i am very fortunte so why do i feel like i’ve been through hell? i don’t know i’m so confused on so many things. i am scared i’m confused i don’t know what to do. i’m tired of having to figure things out for myself like what is negative and what isn’t or how to interact with this person and this other person. i also have a hard time verbally communicateing with people i’ll say one thing and i’m the only person who understands what i said and another person says another thing and we get to the same conculsion i just said it a different way and no one understood what i said. even though we spoke the same language. i’m not trying to throw a pity party here either by the way. i HATE pity. i’ve been accused of that too. talking about my ocd in person is how i cope i think…it makes me feel a little better, but everyone thinks i want pity! i don’t! i just want to talk! vent! anything! my parents are supportive but i’ve given up talking to them because everytime i do they get the saddest expressions on their faces like they want to take away this pain so bad but they can’t nor can they understand the pain i go through. my family is amazing and i am very lucky to have them by the way, but they have gone through so much with me i also don’t want to put them through anymore suffering because of a circumstance that no one can control. i’m rambling now. i’m up because the ocd images are causing me to not be able to fall asleep. it sucks…… i’m tired i’m confused i’m conflicted i’m scared i’m terrified i don’t know what hell is going on anymore. i’m tired of having to figure all this out on my own and just want someone to just plain ass tell me what the hell is going on and how to fix it so i can fix it. because honestly i feel like i am walking totally blind some days and others i feel like i’ve been thrown to the wolves. oh well i’m going to retreat back into my hole that i call my apartment. and pout or whatever the hell a depressed like person does.