WARNING: HEAVY BLOG.

 

My OCD changes from time to time. It'll get fixated on a set of numbers and then it'll change patterns. It's all to feel safe and "reset" things. My OCD constantly has some really messed up thoughts though, that's one thing that's stayed. I feel as though I'm falling apart bit by bi t. Today I confirmed my seasonal work has ended, so I'm jobless. My dog has to find a new home (he was at this one family's home, but he got jealous of another dog and bit some one.) The family love em, but they have too many animals. have 20 days to do that. The girl I'm in love with is my best friend and she's got a bf, and I don't want to be in love with her. I'm terrified of getting hurt again, and most women in general, yet I will never ever show it. I have a guilt complex where I will feel guilty about everything! And I do mean everything. My Dad is acomplete bastard and is the main reason why my life is sooo shitty. (Childhood at least.) My family has grown distant from each other. I'm starting to not sleep at night and I don't even take anything! I'm starting to feel as though I need to start taking something. I do feel better going on here. I mean I feel so insecure with my life anymore. And this is just part of what bugs me on a day to day basis. God, some times there's just too much. I'll sometimes think about how some people have it worse. Starving people and all that, maybe I don't have it all that bad. Of course I was also thinking of people who came from a broken home , but then had the realization (Perhaps the acceptence and done with being in denial.) that my childhood was broken. That's one of the reasons I act so childish now I think. I feel as though I was deprived of it. The shit that happened was terrible. I can barely think about it. So much so that I think I might be blocking out some of the more terrible things that happen d. I do remember how my OCD progressed and then stopped for a year or two and that was great except I had pretty much no friends (Home schooled). And then went with the depression again. I was in fricken 8th grade at this time too. I just worry about the future. What's gonna happen to me, am I gonna hurt anybody (Thank you OCD). I mean the thoughts from it are just maddening some times. I seriously need to get somre more help for this. But I've got so much on my plate as it is. I know that once I can actually get some cash flow going I'll be good. I can actually get my life turned around. Well, it's not facing a wrong direction perse, just mostly twisted. Oi…

 

I feel better now. I feel like I'm going to cry still, but. I do feel better now.

 

Edit: And I'm an optimist!

God, life would be so much more horrible if I didn't joke aboutthings.

1 Comment
  1. bluebuddha 13 years ago

    -Hey…I can relate so much to your blog. I’m sorry that everything is a nightmare for you right now. I’ve been going thru the same and know that feeling of everything falling apart. I’m thinking maybe we can help each other. I can be on the tribe during the workday on my cell phone and then can be on some at night. Message me, I’ll check in with you. Pirate…you are going to get through this. One of things I have a really hard time with is "staying in the moment"…not drifting back to the past or propelling myself into the future. We just can’t do that. We have to stay here in the now. I’ll check in on you in a couple of hours. Let’s make today better…let’s find some peace of mind. We deserve it.

    Blue

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