Hello!

I've been doing ten times better these days! My therapist here at school kept encouraging me to purchase The OCD Workbook, which I was apprehensive about, because I'd never gotten help from a book before (not that I had tried more than one) and I was doubtful. The workbook is about self treating with ERP therapy, and it turned out to be pretty helpful even though I haven't commited myself to the therapy yet. But still, I'm certain that there's more than this book that's been pulling me together.

I honestly think its the weather around here these days. I'm in central Illinois, and this week its finally breaking 80, though I've been feeling fancy-free while its been in the 70s anyway. I'm more convinced that God cares for me when it looks that way outside. I know he cares regardless of weather, but, I'm just being honest. I can fend off my religious worries (would scruples have been an alright repacement for 'worries'?) more readily recently. Besides, sunlight is proven to improve mood. And OCD likes to play off of my bad moods.

Still, even though the OCD is better, its still a big pain in the ass. I frequently skip or show up late to my first classes because my bathroom/shower routine is long in different, unpredictable ways each day. I've been very frightened of my floor's janitor (Judy), even though I'm ashamed of it. I know for certain that she's a kind, reasonable person, but she cleans the bathroom between 8:30 and 9:30 or so each day, and when she does, she has a two janitorial carts, one that is not too scary with things she uses to clean door handles and a trash can, and the other contains the bucket of water/solution and mop for cleaning the floor and various cleaning products and most terifying of all, these white brushes that I suspect are for cleaning the toilets. The door to my room is almost directly outside the bathroom, so the carts are left in close proximity to my door. A few times, I've come from a shower and flipped out about having touched myelf or my things to the cart/brushes, which ends up taking time when I feel I must cover my arms and feet in layers of socks so that I can safely put on underpants (I have a problem putting them on anyway). When I have to get ready in this time frame (3 out of 5 days) the cart and brushes cause me constant worry, whether they are there or not, whether I am near them or not, and when Judy comes in to the bathroom to work, I start to feel like she and the things she needs to use are dirty (my version of dirty comes from a fear of feces) and that I've certainly touched them if I'm out in the openness of the bathroom with her, no matter how I try to avoid it.

I have an issue where I can be very far from something terrifying and still feel that I have touched it and have become dirty from it. I'm sure others here who fear contamination have this problem. Its very upsetting. I could even think of something very frightening and feel dirty from it. It often ends in handwashing, which tends to take place for an unreasonable duration 🙁

This contamination worry is one of the two biggest worries of my OCD life right now. The other I am very uncomfortable talking about, because it is religious based, and because wording is a big part of the difficulty. I look forward to feedback, maybe from other people who worry about contamination, but from any of you is welcome on the same level! That is, please comment if you have anything to share with me, on topic or not.