You know I saw a tiktok a few days ago that said “feel what your feeling in the moment you feel it, feel the feeling your trying or have always avoided.”

Ive been trying for months and months to practice this. So today I’m going to talk about all the feeling I felt today.

This morning when I woke up I felt the feeling of anger. I was angry because I woke up alone, I was angry because I had to wake up for work, I was angry because I woke up at 6:30 knowing that I would be late to work, I was angry because I didn’t know what to wear, I was angry because my friend the day before shared something with me that made me upset.

After I got done being angry I felt lonely, I felt lonely doing my morning duty at work, I felt lonely drinking my coffee this morning, I felt lonely when I ate lunch alone, I felt lonely when I made copies, I felt lonely when I knew I would go home today doing the same thing i did yesterday, i feel lonely sitting here typing this.

I was sad around my lunch time because my brain kept making up different stories in my head about events that havent even happened yet. I was sad when I was typing out a message I wanted to send to this guy. I started to cry super hard in my classroom by myself during my lunch because I just want to be loved and cared about by someone. I truly felt alone.

I was confused when I realized I don’t want to send the message I typed out. For context this man has been leading me on for two years now. I think he talks about our intimate times with his friends. I don’t have any proof but that is what my brain wants to believe. That. makes me very uncomfortable.

I thought about blowing up in his face, being angry or even posting his nudes. However… I don’t want to do that. One of those is illegal and i know which is why im not going to do that.

Im angry because the man I love with isnt in love with me. In fact Ive known for a while but denied and denied and denied and denied and denied and denied and denied and denied…….

Now i’m start to see and accept that he isn’t going to choose me.

He isn’t going to lay in bed with me and rub my back like i am precious to him. He isn’t going to plan anything for Valentines day for me. He isn’t going to buy me flowers and write long love notes. He isn’t going to tell people that I am one of the kindest and sweetest woman he has ever encountered. He isn’t going to bring me lunch when I forget. He isn’t going to comfort me when my grandmother passes away soon. He isn’t going to marry me. He isn’t going to spend birthdays with me. He isn’t going to cuddle me when we watch a movie. He isn’t going to kiss my forehead, when he feels totally in love with me. He isn’t going to celebrate holidays with me. He isn’t going to tell me all the nice things I would hope someone would say to me. He isn’t going to spontaneously change to be with me. He isn’t going to message me 1o times in a row just to talk to me. He isn’t going to call me early in the morning to say good morning. He isnt going to give me the world and treat me like a queen. He isn’t going to make me feel safe. He isn’t going to protect me. He isn’t going ot place me above everyone. He isn’t going to choose me. He isn’t going to build a family with me. He isn’t going to be there to see me graduate. He isn’t going to encourage me to finish school. He isn’t going to cook for me. He isn’t going to introduce me to his son. He isn’t going to love me unconditionally.

He just isn’t.. As much as I want, wish or hope. I know eventually I’ll get over it but I really hoped it would be him. Now im starting not to care and the switch is going to happen soon.