Way too much has happened in an hour!
I was just sat playing Sims2, Happy as can be. Danny went home earlier after giving me the best valentines day I could ever ask for, Now this!
Dad was downstairs, Abit drowzy (I ASSUMED from his medication) and I heard the door go. Mum was home from the club! Yey!
But oh no, I heard violent distressing screaming and smashing. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat and listened, scared what was happening. Ready to run down the stairs just incase I heard violence.
I assumed mum was just angry/upset that dad hadn’t done anything for valentines day, not even a card. Just like how their TWENTIETH anniversary consisted of a tiny corner shop card and a kebab watching corrie.
But no, Then I heard my sister shouting too, and telling mum to calm down.
Then my sister comes upstairs, and within 5 minutes, I found out:
– Mum was threatening divorce with dad if he doesn’t sort himself out
– Dad was fecking drinking again! VODKA! (Which he shouldn’t be because he’s on Citalopram, Amitriptyline and feck knows what else!)
and she also said if they got a divorce apparently she wouldn’t be part of the family anymore and she would no longer be my sister!! (And even there we’re only half sisters because he’s not HER dad is he?) :@
But yeah, It made sense to hear dad had vodka stashed all over the house. Because I assumed he was drowzy from his meds when he nocked the curtain rail off the window upstairs, But no, BLADDERED!
Nina’s decided to steal my bed for the night so it looks like i’m not sleeping, and she also decided to throw up in it too! (Oh yeah, I’m the only sober person in the house by the way) so i’ve come downstairs while everyone’s in bed, and found a puddle of water on the floor, All in splotches. Mum’s tears I assume!
So yeah, Apparently i’ll be an only child if this happens, my dad might get violent or just kill himself faster and never be able to walk me down the aisle, see his grandkids or even just LEAVE THE HOUSE again.
But i’m so confused, I’m 17, I know I AM young but i’ve been through hell of alot for my age, I know and have seen way too much for a 17 year old.
But, My sister said i’m too young to understand when I said she was being stupid saying she wouldn’t be family anymore if they got divorced because she wouldn’t be ‘Nina Lily Horton’ anymore, She’d be ‘Ninaly …’ Whatever her dad’s surname is. and no longer my sister!
But i’m confused? What’s family? Is it blood? Is it surname? Is it LOVE? Obviously not in the heart is it, It must be a name. So apparently my Grandad who was my Grandad my whole life before he died and still is, Isn’t? Because he was my Grandmas second husband and not my biological? I couldn’t give two fucks about my biological grandad I would kill him were he still alive after what he put my grandma through.
But that’s not the point. I’m sat here, Had a fag (I stopped smoking afew weeks back and now, FAG!) Listening to Oasis, I CAN’T CRY ANYMORE, I very rarely cry you know. I didn’t know I still could, Haven’t cried since Charlies funeral last March… But tonight, After the 5 minute lowdown on what’s happening, I was balling my eyes out. I nearly broke my mirror in my room when my sister would NOT leave me alone.
I used to self harm, I haven’t, was so tempted but haven’t.
Theres already loads of shit on my mind without this kicking off and now i’m in the kitchen on dads laptop, It’s almost 3am and i’m seriously considering going for a walk round the estate. I don’t care at the minute if someone decides to try rape or kill me, I could call people and have guns and batons down within the minute. If I didn’t kill them myself that is. I need to kill something, anything. OR I could just have another fag.. ha ha ha.
I’m not usually like this, I think i’m losing it. I’m so close to the fecking edge right now. Dads meds look yummy, Where’s he stashed his vodka bottles? I reet fancy a sip. It will make it all better after all! Just like my daddy does 🙂
UGH!! I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry I just needed somewhere to get this out. I never talk to anyone about anything not even my boyfriend. Or mother, never could talk to my mother about anything, she doesn’t care.
But yeah, If it comes across that i’m attention seeking i’m not! Sorry..
Well, not attention, conversation. I need to talk to someone about anything, anyone. Will talk about politics or fecking grilled cheese if I can just have a conversation with someone who isn’t out of their face.
I think i’ve typed enough anyway, So yeah, gonna find some kinda depressing game on this thing to keep me occupied until busses start running.