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Just when I thought I was getting things at least relatively on an even keel….days like today happen.  I just am feeling like a complete waste of space, of skin, of time…the whole nine yards.  I know a lot of it is the depression…and I know a lot of it is concern for my gf and the fact that her health is deteriorating…and not really understanding what's happening with her.  I guess a lot of my concern for her ends up turning into misplaced caution.  I know I need to let her do what she can, but yet I catch myself trying to do everything because I know she's having problems physically.  Unfortunately, when I do that…then it turns out to be a huge fight, because I smother her, I guess.  But at the same time, if I express to her that I just don't understand how her disease works (she has ms), she gets angry and just tells me I have to just deal.  She's given me lots of websites to look at, which I've done, but unfortunately for me…I'm a very sequential person and her disease is anything but.  She keeps telling me I'm pushing her away….but I don't know what I'm doing for one and for two…I don't know what to change in my behavior.  I love her and it breaks my heart that all we do lately is fight….but I don't know what's happening to our relationship.  I don't want to lose her….I have no one and nothing.  That might sound melodramatic, but that's how I feel.  I hate this feeling of no control….and literally being swallowed by my environment….but I feel like I"m running on empty to keep fighting.  I know I need help….but I have no idea where to turn….

1 Comment
  1. carvic 12 years ago

    Hi dear friend -I am just popping in to say, I hope you are well and my thoughts are with you- I hope things work out for you Bless you Vic

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