It’s a terrible feeling to be surrounded by people and feel like the loneliest person in the world. I feel so numb… I go through these periods of dissociation… i think its mostly just to be able to survive through the periods of depression. It’s hard to cope with things sometime so I just go numb. I know it’s not a good place to be but sometimes it seems like it is the right thing to do. I’m so tired. I looked in the mirror today and felt like I’ve aged so much in the last 3 years. I don’t feel like I used to. There was a time I was feeling really good about myself, getting out, meeting people and being somewhat social. Now my life feels drab and boring. I just turned 41 and feel like I should have been further along in my life… more successful, more stable in my relationships, etc. My therapist tells me it’s not good to dwell on the past but I just can’t help it. I hope it’s not always this way. I know that there are things that need to be done and changes that need to be made… I know what I have to do to get my life together….

 

Soundgarden

“Blow Up The Outside World”

Nothing seem to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know

I’ve givin’ everything I need
I’d give you everything I own
I’d give in if it could at least be ours alone
I’ve given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down and
Blow up the outside world

Someone tried to tell me something
Don’t let the world bring you down
Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help

Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I know it’s wrong
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the upside world

 

David Bowie

“Changes”

I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that testCh-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace timeI watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I’m going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time

 

4 Comments
  1. becka13193 2 years ago

    How is this possible, I am 17 and can relate to almost every word you wrote. I wish you all the best

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    • Author
      Mz_Unda_Std 2 years ago

      It hard at your age to feel the way you do. I know I’ve suffered from anxiety, deoression, ptsd, etc for as long as I remember… I just had no idea what it was. You are lucky because at your age you are already very self aware. Belief it or not it’s a good thing. I wish I had know what was wrong with me and got the help I needed. I may not be in the place I’m in he I done so. Luckily you found this community and hope you are finding the support you need. Keep up the good work and hang in there.

      ((((Big hugs))))

      Eve

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  2. kimbeme 2 years ago

    I also relate to everything you wrote. I think I probably wrote the same thing to any site I could find. The only response I got was in a private group through fb. I would like to here back from you. Im 45 and surrounded by family and people every day. But there isnt one person I can be my complete and genuine self with. I always feel alone. I know a lot about the people around me. I know them very personally. BUT nobody really know me.

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      Mz_Unda_Std 2 years ago

      It is hard to get response from people when you’re looking for answers. I mostly write my blogs to vent because I need to. If I keep things in I feel like I’m going to explode. It is hard to be ones self when suffering with mental illness. None of my family knows I do and it’s just as well because they don’t understand and just find things like that to be weaknesses in people. It sucks but I have come to accept this. I have one person who truly knows me and that I suffer from all this stuff and he’s real supportive. It’s funny how friends can be more supportive that your own family. I don’t always come to him with my problems though because I feel like a burden sometimes. I don’t like bugging people with my problems. (Another reason why I come here) I have been working with a wonderful therapist and hope that I can finally get on a path to better mental health. There are some tough decisions I need to make and I just have to pull my pants up and do them. The fear is always there though. I can’t let that fear rule me anymore though. I just have to do what I have to do because I’m sick of struggling. Luckily I see a light at the end of the tunnel ☺

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