Ugh, here again. This feeling of panic has returned once again. I thought I was in the clear, but I’m sitting here tonight with what feels like the weight of an elephant sitting on my chest. Pressing on my lungs, it takes me forever to catch my breath.
And I’m all alone. Sitting here with my dog, who is passed out asleep, unaware of the pressure that is currently consuming my chest. I feel so afraid, I wish I could get really small and just hide under my bed.
There is a part of me that sees that the fear is irrational. It’s been a few years since the incident occurred, and I have been feeling safe recently. I know that the anxiety is a result of anxiety disorders; it’s just hard to get the feeling to go away. No matter how much I try to rationalize, I can’t shake the feeling. I know anxiety is not rational. I know it has a mind of it’s own. So here I am, trying to calm down and I don’t know what to do, except listen to some calming music and write. I just want someone to hold me close, hold me tight, and tell me that it is going to be okay. I want someone to hug me and just let me close my eyes, just let me rest my weary mind.
These days it seems that my mind is a CD with only one track constantly playing. The only CD available is the one with the video of the assault, and I am forced to watch/listen day in and day out. It’s not so much scary, as it is draining. It’s exhausting to constantly think about that night so often. It’s not that I’m afraid of him anymore… it’s just.. I replay the feeling of helplessness and weakness. I replay the feeling of feeling numb inside, waiting for the pain to end. Most days, I’m able to get through it, as I’m so busy with other things. But tonight… tonight I’m alone with nothing to do and it feels like I really cannot breath.