Im just a regular person with a family and a job. An outsider would just see me as a mother and wife who works 4-5 days a week and spends time socializing when I have the the time. I suppose thats fair to say. But they dont know me. They know what I want them to see.

Truth is Im a real mess. I have many masks that I wear everyday. I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD and social phobias. I have OCD but not the way most people think of OCD. Im not a clean freak… But I wish I was!! Dont take the work freak offensively. I can call myself all kinds of names. Im codependant and an addict. But my addictions change over time. Im addicted to whatever is working for me. I can list a few things… drugs, alcohol, sobriety, people, the gym…self help, self destruction… you name it!  Llike I said, whatever is working for me at that time.

I learned something in the past few months. Never say NEVER! I said it for many years and lived in the truth of I WILL NEVER DO THAT OR NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. Boy was I wrong.

Im 45 years old. I work 32-40 hours a week. Married 15years. daughter is 23 and son is 14.

I call myself a skin surfer. It is an addiction that has been the absolute hardest to quit. My skin is scarred from my compulsive picking. I dont go in public as much as I want to because of my scars. I have to hide my arms and legs to be comfortable in public. And if you try to start a conversation with me in a store line, My anxiety is taking over. Please dont talk to me too much because I always feel less then smart and im not interesting or fun enough. If you show up unexpectedly at my house, IM IN A PANIC STATE. If I have to go to a social event or gathering..wedding, funeral, holiday thing, kids school thing, WHATEVER.. I promise it took my hours of stress, anxiety and depression just to get ready. Its exhausting.

Im too exhausted just from trying to explain who I am.  And I barely scratched the surface.

 

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