I gave myself a higher than normal mood rating today even though for most of the day I’ve been craving a drink. Not exactly sure what’s going on but I can visualize the drink in my hand and how good it would feel to have it. It’s thoughts like those, the difficult ones, the ones that stay on repeat in my mind, that cause me to stress the most. I’ve tried to discuss it with people I know but no one understands because they just cannot think like me. Which, and I constantly tell people this, they don’t want to. The best way I can explain to someone who doesn’t have to deal daily with OCD and anxiety issues is, “if you spent one minute in my head you would probably beg for a padded cell.” It just never shuts off, this endless stream of conscious thought. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, obsessing over the most random things, and been unable to go back to sleep. Sometimes I focus so intently on something that I can even see it being played out as if it were on a movie screen. What I’m supposed to do in those moments I’m not really sure. I do know that I have to work it out for myself, as those in my family aren’t really the best supporters. Maybe it’s just because they don’t understand what it feels like, mentally and emotionally, to deal with this. Maybe it’s just because they don’t care. I really don’t know, because like they cannot be in my mind I cannot be in theirs either. I am trying to do the wellness activities, but I can’t really focus on them. I know they will help me redirect my thoughts to something more positive, but instead I feel a slight pressure to complete them, as if they were a homework assignment that was past due. I’m going to try harder to do them, but I’ve started not making promises to myself because I know how I feel when I can’t follow through with something I’ve decided to do.

  1. kimbeme 5 years ago

    I totally hear you. I have also tried to talk with people I thought were close enough to me to try and at least understand what its like for me, but they never will. They just want to say it will all be ok. But it wont. Family is probably the ones I want most to hear me and understand and have some form of empathy and maybe understanding of me and why I am the way I am. But they are the worst. Family has the biggest blinders of all. They wont acknowledge a real mental health problem. Thats to much effort for them.

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    • Author
      bleigh05 5 years ago

      I think the part of it all that bothers me the most is that my addiction and anxiety problems are clearly hereditary. My mom is so anal about how she cleans and keeps the house, and a good percentage of my family (mother, father, sisters, cousins, etc.) either currently grapple with addiction or have in the past. But they seems the least helpful to me. My mother acted like God had finally answered her prayers when I told her I quit drinking, but then at Thanksgiving she made a point of making me tell my sisters I had quit all the while having a beer/glass of wine in her hand. And I was thinking, really?! Hypocritical much?? But instead of saying anything, like I would normally do, I kept it to myself and talked to a friend about it later. And of course, I freely discuss it here because I feel like people actually understand what it’s like to deal with addiction and the mental part of it too.

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